I’ll Take Fries with My Heart Attack

8045I was at SeaWorld with my family and yes I have seen Blackfish but my son likes the Sesame Street play land so please take your self righteous bullshit somewhere else.  As we were walking around I noticed something fascinating and yet moderately disturbing….Funnel Fries.  What are Funnel Fries you ask?  Great question.  Well it is very simple.  They are French fry shaped funnel cakes that come in a convenient hand-held fry container that also can hold a side of dipping syrup.  The goal of the Funnel Fry is to allow the user to quickly and efficiently stuff as much fried dough covered with sugar and syrup in their face as fast as possible.  The fork/plate technology and sitting down to enjoy anything we eat food model is clearly a thing of the past, like intelligent political debate and a decent living wage for services rendered.  With the Funnel Fry, you can push maximum density and stoke the hell-fire of acid reflux in mere seconds, while simultaneously mortifying your children and driving your wife closer to the waiting arms of her yoga teacher, surf instructor, or that creepy guy at work that she is “on a project with”.  “It is pure genius!” is what you would hear from any fat person from any fat town or fat state in the US.  I would like to be able to lock this down to a geographic area but due to the general health of this country (which will soon be called America Type 2 if we don’t do something) but I just can’t.  This inspired me to fight the malaise by coming up with the next great stuff yer face food fad.  So here are my top 3 not yet available but should be early grave inducing eats.

1. Frachos – Everyone loves eating nachos, but who has the time these days to sit down, eat them, and use a napkin or other cloth to clean up the cheesy mess…communist Nazi socialists, that’s who!  That is why we bring you the Fracho.  The Fracho are two small round corn chips sandwiches filled with cheese, meat, and jalapeño flavoring.  These puppies are then soaked in batter and deep fried for portability and needless calorie increase.  Now you can have the great taste of nachos by simply popping these babies like potato chips…brilliant.

2. The Squeeze-Burger – Have you ever wanted a cheeseburger but just don’t feel like dealing with the greasy mess?  We now have your solution.  The Squeeze-Burger.  The Squeeze-burger takes all the flavor and excitement of a quarter pound cheese burger and compresses it down to a delicious paste that can be eaten from a squeeze tube…think GoGurt for adults.  No longer will you have to wait or stop what you are doing to enjoy the delicious flavors of American Cuisine’s greatest accomplishment.  The Squeeze-burger can be enjoyed in the car, on the go with the family, in the shower, or while taking a dump.  The possibilities are endless and so is the joy. You’re welcome.

3. The Domlette – Mornings can be tough and why should the added stress of deciding on what to eat for breakfast add to your torment.  That is why I bring you the Domlette.  No longer will you have agonize over the gut-wrenching decision of eggs or donut.  Now you can have both!  The Domlette is an oversized glazed donut stuffed with eggs, cheese, and your favorite breakfast meat.  Its sweet, its savory, its a full days calories in just a few bites.  The Domlette will change the way we eat breakfast and the average life expectancy of adult males all at the same time.  Who needs jelly in a donut when you can have delicious cheese and salty meat.  It will change the way you look at breakfast, and yourself in the mirror each day.  Its the gift that keeps on giving.

Well there you have it.  My thoughts on a food revolution.  You can thank me later, once your triple bypass is complete.



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