Suprising…Not Really

Been away for a bit due to work and life but I am back with some new bitterness.  On tv and online we seem to be getting hammered with a rash of new useless information.  The Suprising Things about <insert topic> article or soft news segment….unless the segment is on that Europena naked news…nothing soft about that broadcast.  Most of the time it is just a giant bowel of word salad…without ranch dressing which is a sin.  I really need to find where that hidden valley is…I bet the rivers there are ranch and everyone has diabetes and bad breath.  My kind of town.  Anyway, you will see an article like “The Ten Suprising Health Benefits from Drinking more Water”…WOW…no fucking way…you mean consuming the element that makes up 75% of my body is good for me…well tickle my balls and call me a tea bag, you are like the Yoda of health and nutrition.  There are others dealing with a variety of stupid topics, involving eating right…so shoveling taco bell in my face won’t help me live longer??  Or the lifestyle choices of successful people…one choice would not be reading your stupid article.  If you listened to your own advice you probably wouldn’t be working a job writing second rate articles about obvious crap no one gives a shit about…thanks though.  Did you cry the whole time writing it, or just at the end?  Worse yet, the articles are like 2000 words long.  To help everyone out, I am going to provide some facts that should be in these articles and present them in the proper way.  Not as an article but a simple and straight forward list….actually they are more factually based observations…fobservations…sweet…Here we go.

The Fart is the cry of the imprisoned turd…That’s right, they are crying out to escape from anal oppression. So by holding in your farts you are actually stifling free speech…nice work Mussolini

Those strippers were way into me….I know, right. No way this could possibly be true….no one would say this. WRONG!…All men are laughing right now because everyone has a friend like this.  They exist, and are mocked behind their back on a regular basis…which they totally should be…I mean how low is your self esteem that you could possibly believe this….their main income comes from fooling people with shit for brains like you.  Get some therapy for god sakes, you are embarrassing yourself

Penis size really doesn’t matter…ahhh, the motion of the ocean lie we tell ourselves…it does matter, ask any guy with a baby dick…he will explain it after you take the gun away from his head, wipe away his tears, and dislodge the penis pump from his crotch

<Insert Any Politician> seems like the kind of guy/girl I would want to get a beer with/hang out with…No, they aren’t…you know who is?  Your friends…you know why they are your friends?  They are not self-serving, ass-hat, power hungry, narcissistic, pig fuckers.  Traits that describe every politician ever.  Don’t use that as a reason to vote for someone, you are lying to yourself and you are part of the problem, not the solution

If you are not sure if a girl is really interested in you, she isn’t…women everywhere are like “Yes, please for the love of god, give every guy ever this message!”…This is some free range truth right here…I have asked almost every girl I know about it and the answer is the same…yes that statement is the truth…if you are single and confused, this should clear up most of it for you…if it doesn’t, you are a shady stalker and she is most likely talking mad shit to her friends about you as we speak…don’t buy her flowers…time to move on

So those are just 5 little nuggets that you won’t get in those stupid articles that people post on whatever their social media of choice is…that are written by people who get the information from another article…that you go check only to find it references a study in another article..and you continue on down the rabbit hole only find that you have no idea what you were looking for in the first place…lucky for you there are bitter assholes like me out there to keep you focused.  Now I have to run and figure out how to work this new penis pump, wish me luck.

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