As I awoke on January 1st, I felt a little spring in my step. The Year was new, college football was on, and I was ready for a fresh start. As I was enjoying my morning sit on the only throne I will ever own, I began to contemplate the direction of my life. Obviously the best way to do that is getting my list of New Years Resolutions together. My new blueprint for life success that I will share with people over the next several weeks, and then roll my eyes at them behind their back and say “yeah right” or “heard that one before” in my head when they tell me theirs. Armed with my new motivation I stepped out into the room fresh and ready to attack. I headed over to the mirror to run the list by my biggest critic..me. I ran through the list and at the end included the one big resolution that has haunted me for years. Getting in better shape. I then consulted my reflection for his input.
Me: “Ok reflection, what did you think of the list”
Reflection: “AHAHAHAHA…oh wait you were serious about that last one?”
Me: “Yeah, this year I am getting in shape”
Reflection: “Bwahahahahahah…thanks, I love to start the day with some good stand up comedy”
Me: “Shut up you douche, I am too going to do it”
Reflection: ” Ok, take it easy there Poppin’ Fresh. Do me a favor. Before you shoot the messenger, maybe you should head into that “workout room” of yours and take an inventory. Then come back and see me”
Me: “I will and don’t think I am going to let that “workout room” thing slide…fucking jackass. I’ll show you! I’ll show them all!”
Reflection: “Yeah, ok Billy Boob-Gut, we know. Try not to run out of breath on the way down the hall”
So down the hall and slightly out of breath, I ducked into our spare bedroom. Its not really a bedroom, it more like our family’s multipurpose room. I then began to fish through the closets and gathered my workout gear. Quickly my excitement turned to dread as I came face to face with the ghosts of new years past.
The first thing I found was this:
This is my Nintendo Wii Balance board. One year, Nintendo tried to combine video games with exercise with the Wii Fit. I thought this was my holy grail to fitness. I love video games so partnering it with working out, something I don’t love, might be my gateway to success. I could easily fit in a 20 minute Wii Fit session in during my 3 hours of video game playing. How could it possibly fail? It did have a rocky start as the Wii Fit measured my current fitness point.
Et tu, video games? Et tu? That was a bit harsh but it did give me some motivation so away I went. Unfortunately the video game aspect made it more difficult to sustain, not less, like I had hoped. Soon I was playing more and more Legend of Zelda and the board went to its resting place to collect dust. Though I failed, this attempt did come out with some good and bad results. The bad part was a cup size increase for yours truly to a solid A. The good part was the Land of Hyrule was once again safe from the forces of evil.
The next item up for bid in this history of failure is this little gem right here:
These are called the perfect push-up. They are handles that rotate while you do a push-up. It gives you the rotating punching motion that will help push the envelope and maximize you ass or some shit. I can’t quite remember the commercial but it had a ripped dude and I was hungover and confused so I bought them. I began using the perfect push-up along with other exercises in my new plan until my wife saw them.
wife: “what are those?”
I explained to her what they were.
Wife: “How much?”
Wife: “So you spent $30 on something you can do anytime, anywhere for nothing?”
Me: “But these give you lift….and they turn to stimulate…and it comes with…aww crraaapp!”
She was right, these are fucking stupid and buying them makes me more punch-line than man. Guess there would always be next year. And there was, here is the final gem I pulled out of the closet of broken dreams:
This was all purchased for the sole purpose of my P90X experiment. As you can imagine, that also ended in failure. But this one was not for a lack of trying. I did the program to the letter for about 6 weeks until my left knee gave out. Once off the program, I was unable to get back on it. This was mostly due to the ridiculous diet plan that comes with it. Now those resistance bands are nothing more than a choking hazard for my son or a possible chew toy for my dog. Full disclosure, I think that black thing is some kind of gut weight loss item I also bought because the person using it was ripped. I am like infomercial gold, somewhere someone owns a boat loaded up with strippers because of me.
So I wandered back to the mirror.
Reflection: “So… how did it go?”
Me: “Not so great, what do you think I should do?”
Reflection: “Don’t ask me, you are the one with the brain. I am just a paranoid delusion.”
Shit, he was right again. It then dawned on me that it is probably a red flag to get unexpected answers when you are talking to yourself. Oh well, that will have to wait. So I sat there depressed and it wasn’t long before I realized something. I have nothing to be depressed about. I have been very lucky in life and wasting time not enjoying that is about the dumbest thing anyone could do. So this year, the resolution list is simple. There is just 1. Be happy with what you have and enjoy every minute because you are lucky to have the life you are leading. I think that is one that I will actually enjoy trying to keep.
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