As a society I feel we have put up with tons of bullshit from hipsters. Their constant scarf wearing in all types weather, drinking everything out of mason jars, over the top love of any food made in a truck, weekly barber visits, facial hair elitism, their belief that just because something is a kick starter it automatically has merit, and the smug douche-baggery that pours out of them during everyday conversation. That is a pretty hefty list of things we have let slide. Well, just when you thought they couldn’t get anymore insufferable, they have taken it to the next level. Beard transplants.
Yes, beard transplants. Before we get into the details,it is important to understand that facial hair has become a necessity to be a high level hipster. Without it, other hipster men taunt you with passive aggressive insults during their horrible conversations about how they won’t buy anything that isn’t ethically sourced or who built the best bicycle out of used water and soda bottles. Hell, they even decorate their beards at Christmas.
It has also brought about a whole new industry, beard supplements. Vitamins and tonics that will grow, improve, soften, and intensify your naturally growing facial hair with plants extracts, nourishing oils, and probably a whole mess of ground up Chinese newspaper. Amazon has a whole section of this crap.
I can’t believe they get $25 to $35 a bottle for this glorified placebo bullshit. I am willing to bet the people taking this shit used to mock Rogaine or other hair growth products. Yet here they are, shelling out cash for this crap. I am definitely in the wrong business.
As you can imagine, this puts a ton of pressure on the young, would be hipster who can’t grow any facial hair. How can he join the cool kids without the necessary bearding? It was much easier to be cool when all you had to do was buy a pack of smokes or drink. This crap just seems exhausting. Fortunately, science and people’s desire to separate suckers from their money have once again joined forces to bring you the beard transplant. Personally, I just don’t get it, but for some, this is just what the doctor ordered. Like this poor sap I read about in a New York Daily News article. I am going to paraphrase his quote because I am too damn lazy to look up the exact one.
“Beard transplants were great news. I won’t have to use an eyebrow pencil to color in the missing areas of my facial hair anymore.”
Ok, two things. First, I feel like there has to be a better fix than eyebrow pencils. Secondly, I am having a hard time not wetting my pants laughing thinking about how stupid this guy must look walking around with eyebrow pencil drawn all over his face. I mean, there is no way other people don’t notice. Beards are lifted off the face, and eyebrow pencil coloring would be flat. You would look fucking ridiculous. “Look, here comes John again. I can’t believe he is still writing on his face with that stupid eyebrow pencil. He looks like my 4 year old after doing an art project at preschool. Doesn’t he want to have sex with someone at some point?”
Statistics show facial hair envy is a real problem for many hipsters as beard transplants have increased nearly 6 fold in the past 5 years. That is pretty staggering, and apparently very bad news for the eyebrow pencil industry. So enough background, lets get into the nuts and bolts of this thing.
The process seems simple enough. Hair is taken from one area of the body and transplanted on your face in any type of beard shape you want. The most often used donor spot is the back of the head.
The hair follicles are pulled out, one at a time. That is why this guys head looks like a Chinese checkerboard. The hairs are then implanted in the face, one at a time. The process can take anywhere from 2-6 hours as the doctor uses a sharp tool to press the individual hair follicles into your face. I have heard it feels like slamming your head into a thorn bush over and over again for 3 hours. Sign me up!
Size and density are determined by the recipient, and as you would expect, more size and density means more cost. The average beard transplant will run you upwards of $7000. The new beard hair will fall out after a couple days but will then grow back and is now ready to be grown and cut just like someone who can actually grow their own facial hair. There is no guarantee of success but odds are in your favor and follow up transplants are not normally needed, unless you want to try and add more volume. Here is what it looks like post opp.
We have given hipsters lots of leeway but this is something that simply can’t continue. They have pushed it too far. If you know a hipster who is considering this, do the right thing. Stage a hipster-vention and stop the spread of this stupidity. Together, I know we can make a difference. And if they don’t listen and do it anyway, at least you will have someone you can make fun of for the next year or so. It is about time they give us back some entertainment for putting up with their shit for so long.
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