Recently I watched the reboot of Robocop and it wasn’t very good. There was really nothing special about it. The movie just kind of happened. I was left sad and annoyed by this development and I realized I had yet to point my bitter bazooka at the movies. I can think of no better way than a top 10 list of the worst movies I have ever seen in the movie theater. These will not include guilty pleasure B movies, like Battleship. So here is my list of the worst movies I have ever seen, in no particular order.
Star Trek the Motion Picture
Long, boring, and stupid, this 2.5 hour version of a bad show episode was a complete bust. It is the first movie I ever walked out on, but I got a good laugh as my dad was swearing all the way to the car. The plot involved the Voyager 6 space probe becoming a sentient static cloud that returned to earth to kill everyone. Genius! To this day I have still been unable to watch it start to finish.
This blatant murder of an amazing comic book character should have lead to criminal charges for all involved. It is so terrible I could devote a whole post to it. My friends still taunt me to this day for making them go see it. Watching it was like dying a death of 1000 cuts. How Affleck recovered from this one is beyond me. It makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like the Godfather.
The Lady in the Water
Just an absolute disaster. Long, boring, and nonsensical, this movie makes a trip to the dentist seem like Disneyland. It has nothing, does nothing, and says nothing. 20 minutes in I wanted all the characters to die and the motel they were living in to be shutdown via a government eminent domain project. Shyamalan even acted is this nightmare. Spoiler alert…he blows.
When in Rome
I know what you are thinking, what the hell is that movie and obviously it sucks. True, but there is something super special suck about this. My wife made me go see this romantic comedy in the theater. Halfway through I hear her mutter “Holy shit this sucks”. If your wife can’t stand a romantic comedy, you know it has earned its place on this list.
The Lincoln tunnel caves in..people trapped….STALLONE!. This movie never had a chance. 15 minutes in I realized they stole the whole “getting through giant fan blades” bit from Tango and Cash..yikes. A Formulaic plot consisting of control room people, tunnel people, and formerly disgraced rescue guy “that is the only one who can complete this mission, dammit!” Hold your breath is good advice. The sweet release of passing out is way better than watching 30 minutes of this shit.
This was an attempt to capitalize off of the success of Twins…it didn’t. I didn’t laugh once during the entire movie. The poster says “Nothing is inconceivable” which put a delightful twist on this bucket of suck since I don’t see how anyone could conceivably believe this movie was a good idea. Oh and this happened.
Could possibly win the award for worst movie and worst sequel of all time. It was a tough call between this and Weekend at Bernie’s 2. Big props to Jonathan Silverman for being in both of them. Caddyshack 2 is beyond terrible. The wacky golf remake of the country club, Randy Quaid, and the Dan Aykroyd “try to fill in for the loss of Bill Murray” character is one of the worst in movie history. How the hell did Jackie Mason ever get work? I mean, why is he famous? Absolutely nothing he says or does is funny. Top that off with the fact that he looks like the love child of a street hobo and a hobbit and you have a movie that needs to be on everyone’s worst lists.
Clash of the Titans 2010
The Harry Hamlin original was a cult classic and one of my favorite movies as a kid. This one was just absolute shit. They tried to jazz it up with Hollywood effects but the acting, plot, and just about everything they tried to cram in there, fell way short. When the weird blue eyed guys that couldn’t speak English suddenly yelled out “TOGETHER!” before blowing themselves up 6 million years before the invention of gunpowder, a tsunami of laughter exploded from the audience at my showing. Major reboot failure.
Batman and Robin
Hard to cover just how horrible this movie is in a short blurb. After the first 30 minutes I was praying it was a joke and they would all of a sudden yell “Just kidding!” and start the real movie. They took Mr. Freeze and Bain, two of the best Batman villains and completely ruined them. Schwarzenegger really showed his chops as a completely shitty actor and Bain was just some lumbering idiot who just kept muttering his own name. Add in Alicia Silverstone who was inexplicably famous at some point in my lifetime (thanks Aerosmith) and you have a recipe for disaster. I am a big Batman fan and I have trouble putting into words my hatred of this movie. I should be allowed to kick Joel Schumaker in the balls as many times as I see fit one day a year for unleashing this no script, horribly acted, neon encrusted nightmare on the world.
I used this Sandler movie because it is the only one I was able to watch all the way through over the last 8 or so years. The cast is loaded with funny people and the movie is anything but. The script is non existent and the direction is completely flat. It is like they just told the cast to throw out random one liners and hope for the best. Speaking of Sandler, who the fuck still goes to his movies? Here is a list from the last 8 or so years: The Longest Yard, Click, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Bedtime Stories, Jack and Jill, Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Blended, That’s My Boy, the Cobbler, Men Women & Children. Wow…just wow. Here is the worst part. All these movies made tons of cash and none of them are better than a 2 stars. Who the fuck is going to these? If you know someone who is, punch them somewhere very uncomfortable.
So those are my worst of the worst. I will now take a break by sitting back and getting drunk watching I, Frankenstein because..well…somebody has to.
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