Monkey Chefs? It’s a Brave New World

There was some exciting news last week when I saw this headline:



Chimp chefs?!  I immediately felt a rush of confusing emotions.  First excitement for the new monkey video possibilities, followed quickly by fear, as I had a vision of an all monkey cast remake of the movie No Reservations.

Savory and delicious are not the words I would use to describe that movie.

Savory and delicious are not the words I would use to describe that movie.  I also clearly don’t have a graphics department.

My fear was then replaced by hunger as my fatness took hold and all I could think about was food, so I headed to the kitchen for a snack. During the entire snacking time I kept thinking about the study and how ridiculous it sounded, which is a big deal considering how much I love snacking.  I knew it was click bait but curiosity got the best of me so I decided to go back to my desk and read this ridiculous mess.

For most of the article, it was your basic internet “scientific study” stuff. He are some quick summary points from the piece:

  • Researchers created a “cooking” device, which was really just a bowl with a false bottom and a cooked potato slice inside. They would then do a fake cooking thing and the chimp would get a cooked slice of potato.
  • Chimps began routinely putting their raw potato slice into the cooker and would wait for cooked potato.
  • Sometimes they were willing to wait, other times they weren’t.
  • Many times they didn’t make it to the cooker and just ate the potato on the way

So apparently the chimps waiting for the cooked food was a big deal.  These scientist had made an amazing breakthrough. If you give an animal a type of food they enjoy to eat, they will do just about anything you want as long as you give it to them at the end.  If you don’t, they will rip your balls off.  Wow, groundbreaking study. This could really alter the course of human/animal relationships for generations to come.  I realized how stupid I was thinking this article would be worth my time until the following quote popped up right before I closed it.

“It seems only two things may stop chimps from being chefs.”

2 things??  That’s it? Jackpot! I couldn’t wait to read the next sentence and it didn’t disappoint.

“First, they have no control over fire. And second, they just don’t trust each other enough.”

So basically chimp cooks have the same problem as every coked up chef I have ever met in my life. In that one sentence, they have basically described about 80% of the human population on this planet. If true, this means we can totally start having chimp cooks.  And with Chimp cooks, comes a whole bunch of uncertainty.  This could change the course of human history, and more importantly, reality TV forever.

Lucky for you I am here to run through some of the pros and cons of scientists unleashing Chimp cooks on the world (I will totally be trademarking chimp cooks to try and score big on the inevitable Bravo reality show).

Con – Clearly these scientists have learned no lessons from all of the Planet of the Apes movies.  You don’t teach apes advanced techniques….you maniacs!!

Con of previous Con – The previous con just reminded me how I went to that horrible Tim Burton Planet of the Apes movie.  I really could have used a Rogue chimp chef emerging from the shadows to cleave off my hands before I bought a ticket for that disaster.  Thanks for nothing science.

Pro – Employers can now pay their cooks via cooked potato or banana

Con – Exponential increase in banana peel related injuries in restaurant kitchens

Pro – No need to buy expensive health insurance for chimps, just order a new box of them if the ones you have get sick or injured.

Con – Disgruntled human employee probably just keys your car.  Disgruntled chimp will probably tear off your arms and beat you to death with them

Pro – Almost no chance anyone would rob your restaurant with a kitchen filled with wild animals protecting it

Con – High probability food will be contaminated with poop and monkey semen

Pro – Setting up a live feed to the internet in the kitchen will bring in tons of extra cash.  Who wouldn’t want to watch a room full of chimps cooking potato skins and cheeseburgers?

Con – Confusing immigration status for Chimps born outside the US

Pro – Watching politicians twist themselves in knots trying to figure out the proper political position when it comes to illegal Chimp labor.

Pro – Getting to see Chimps dressed up in fast food uniforms and paper hats

Con – Weekly mauling of people who try and get their incorrect order fixed at the drive through window

Pro – During Hell’s Kitchen Chimp edition, Gordon Ramsey gets his face ripped off after yelling at Mr. Bubbles for over cooking the risotto.

The Chimp article was total crap but a solid click bait waste of time.  I am definitely not a fan of teaching Chimps advanced skills but I feel like this one would be pretty funny and most of the Cons that don’t involve mauling don’t really seem that bad. Especially that Gordon Ramsey one, I think everyone would pay to see that.

Is the world ready for Top Chef Chimp Edition?  Hard to say, but I do know one thing.  It would sure be fun to find out.



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