Pizza Hut Needs Your Money Really Badly

In advance of the B.A.R.F San Diego County Fair extravaganza, my friend Patrick sent me some information that I needed to get out the masses.  Apparently Pizza Hut has done it again.

First, a little background.  Over the past several years Pizza Hut has been hemorrhaging money due to the awfulness of their pizza.  Ask yourself this question, how many times in the past two years have you eaten Pizza Hut or had someone suggest it as a place to go for dinner?  The answer is most likely zero, due to their pizza tasting like butter-soaked cardboard with sauce and cheese melted on top.

Recently they have been making moves to try and bolster sales by adding some random crust flavors to the menu:  curry, pretzel, some kind of Herb thing, probably Sriracha, but it doesn’t seem like these have given them the sales boost they needed.  Lucky for you, B.A.R.F agents are everywhere and were able to capture a boardroom conversation that lead to their latest and greatest revenue enhancer.  Here is a brief transcript of that meeting.

CEO Guy: “Ok people, our shitty flavored crusts simply aren’t working.  We need ideas.  Let’s hear them.”

Carl: “Well we could improve the taste of our pizza.  New ingredients, better sauce and cheese, actually cook them properly instead of sticking freezer burned pizza on some hot conveyor belt.  People will actually buy and eat something if it tastes good.”

CEO Guy: “Carl…I respect your input…and….you’re fired.  Get out.  Anyone else??  Come on people, our jobs are on the line and my vacation house isn’t going to pay for itself!”

Bob: “What about hot dogs?  People seem to love those.  In fact, a couple guys I know who can stay awake for entire baseball games told me the people there seem to love them.  And those stadiums hold a lot of people.”

CEO Guy: “Hmm…Interesting…continue.”

Bob: “Why don’t we get a bunch of little hot dogs and stick them in the crust.  We have stuffed about everything else possible in that chewy mess, why not random meat products? They can be made to tear off so people can pull them off and dip them in whatever sauce fat people are dipping things in these days…ranch, mustard, ketchup, nacho cheese. Plus, we can incorporate those awful new flavored crust to help save money. This will make people happy and a little more full, which should help make them forget how terrible the pizza they are about to eat actually tastes.”

CEO Guy: “Brilliant.  Make it happen.  There is a big future for you here at Pizza Hut, Vice President Bob!”

That was a big win for Bob, and from that meeting, a new food item emerges from test kitchens around the country.  Behold, the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza!


This little gem is a normal Pizza Hut Pizza surrounded by 28 removable mega sized pigs in a blanket.  The dogs can be ripped off and dipped in your sauce of choice prior to enjoying your pizza.  Based on the photo, you can also get the flavored crusts, like pretzel or whatever else they serve there.

Below is an actual shot of the item, which looks like a pizza surrounded by dog penis.

Pizza + 28 things that look like dog wieners = food?

Pizza + 28 things that look like dog wieners = food?

These kind of fast food mash-ups have become all the rage lately.  Take a couple of similar or complimentary food items and turn it into an over the top mashup food.  The thing is, most of them had some consistency to them.  Even though KFC used chicken planks as bread, they used cheese and bacon as a filling.  Those can work together.  Carl’s Jr loves over the top burger mashups but they tend to just add an extra meat and some cheese sauce.  Many times it is flavored taco shells, buns, a featured vegetable, or special sauce that allow the combination of two dissimilar but workable menu items.  But this? This is just gross. They don’t go together at all, in any way shape or form.  When was the last time you had a hot dog and thought “you know what would go well with this?  Pizza.”  The answer is never.  Honestly, this is something you would expect to come out of a Pizza Hut located on the Island of Dr Moreau.

Behold! A three Assed Pizza!

Behold! A three Assed Pizza!

I have no intention of trying this and have failed in an attempt to get people I know to purchase it. So if anyone out there eats one of these things, please let me know via the comments section.  I am really interested in exactly what this tastes like.



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