The Huffington Post has gotten more and more irritating with each passing week. It’s becoming the meat at Taco Bell. 95% filler with some small amount of cow and seasonings sprinkled in to pass inspection standards. Don’t believe me? Below I will bring you some lovely items from the right side of the Huffington Post’s home page. All the screen grabs are actual headlines from their home page that I grabbed on a single visit to their site. Here we go.
OK, if you need an article of any kind to give you 6 things to do instead of staring at your phone, there is no hope for you. Do everyone a favor and drive to Home Depot, buy a tack hammer, and bash yourself in the head until you pass out. There, I gave you 6 if you are still conscious after the second shot to your own skull and now you don’t even have to read the article Funniest part, when I clicked on it, it wasn’t even an article. It was a video. Yeah, learn how to not stare at your phone while you stare at your phone watching this video. Genius.
Any article talking about what Siri Says
I didn’t provide a specific headline here because these articles are always the same and they always suck. A great example is that stupid “Ask Siri what Zero Divided by Zero is, the Response is Outstanding” article. No, it isn’t. She just blurts out some bad cookie monster joke that isn’t outstanding or funny unless you are a five year old. For the record, Siri sucks. I have tried to use it numerous times and each is more disappointing than the next. It’s the speed dating of technology. Unless you are Samuel L Jackson preparing a dinner party or Martin Scorsese in a cab, the application is completely useless. I would give it much more credit if the answer to what is zero divided by zeros was “fuck you, that’s what. Every heard of google, Einstein?”
As an insecure and overweight 40 year old man, I am always drawn to the articles that are going to tell me how I am on a collision course with divorce. Unfortunately, they all turn out to be completely fucking stupid. But this one really ramped-up the S factor. Why? Simple, the 10th reason given was “cheating on your spouse”. That’s right, going out and banging some random you picked up at a bar or on a “business trip” was the last reason why your marriage might be headed for divorce. Pretty sure that should be the ole number 1. The other reasons they listed, counseling, etc. are actually caused by number 10. It’s almost like its telling me nailing other chicks is bad, but not nearly as bad a sign as these 9 other things, so why not give it a whirl. Clearly whoever wrote this is either not married, is cheating on their spouse, or is the Director of IT Security for Ashley Madison.
I don’t really understand why this study was even done. It doesn’t matter what bag you are putting it in. When you are food shopping you are walking through a giant warehouse with shelves filled with easily accessible junk food. How does the type of bag you put your shit in after you pay for it have any effect on that? According to the article, it may lead people to reward themselves for being environmentally conscious, so they might buy more junk food as a reward. First of all, it may lead to is not a surprising link, it sounds like something you made up on the fly. Secondly, Americans are fat and we love junk food. And if they are anything like me, most of it won’t even make it into the bag or survive the ride home.
So I stopped reading this one pretty quickly since the first way to get rid of stinky feet fast was to wash them. Yup, washing your feet will help get rid of the stink. Wow, now that is some big news. It took all my inner strength not to punch myself in the face for being surprised by that. I was foolishly hoping for some really cool and obscure life hack involving some crazy witch’s brew that you cook up in the kitchen, combined with some weird native dance moves. Nope, just wash your feet, foot deodorant, foot powder, and good sneakers and socks. You know, the same shit everyone already knows. How the fuck did some editor think this was worthwhile to post on the front page of a major news website? I want to meet that person so I can punch them in whatever genitals they happen to have.
The headline talks about how this new winged dinosaur proves Jurassic World to be wrong. Raptors should look like this evil chicken not how they looked in the movie. Then you click on it, and the words “may have” show up constantly and the word “proves” shows up zero times. That’s right, zero. They proved nothing. It is all this talk about how raptors may have had winds, feathers, colors, blah blah blah. Yeah, and they might also have had two asses and ate pig shit. The point is, you don’t know. Dinosaur stuff changes all the time because they don’t know anything for a fact and they never will. Scientists really have no idea what they actually looked like, it is all a guess based on million year old bones they are pulling out of the ground. Based on all the “may haves” in this article, I could pan out this picture, insert a prehistoric Colonel Sanders with a spear and declare “KFCs eight blend of herbs and spices may date back to prehistoric times” and it wouldn’t be much different. SCIENCE!!!!
No shit we go nuts for free office food. It’s free and office work is a soul crushing nightmare that you never get paid enough money to tolerate on a weekly basis for 20 or so years. Glad you wrote this, can’t wait for you next installments in this series. “Why you and your co-workers love getting paid” and “Study shows people love vacation” and “Vast majority of people really like having sex”. Might as well start shining up that Pulitzer now, no need to wait for the voting.
After performing this exercise, I think the most depressing part was thinking about my friends that I know that write. They are working their asses off to create quality original content and struggling to get that work published. Yet here we have a bunch of complete shit that gets a front page spot on a website that is viewed by millions of people a day. I guess we have no one to blame but ourselves, because if we keep eating shit, there is no reason for them to stop shoveling it in our mouths. What’s that smell you ask? It’s your breath, luckily there is an article out that can tell who how to clean your mouth. I hear it’s a good read.
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