This Ashley Madison hack has really brought me some solid entertainment and sweet, sweet, schadenfreude over the past week. The site is disgusting garbage and anyone that went on there and is now exposed is getting exactly what they deserve. But there is one person’s misery that has risen above the rest, one person whose exposure I have enjoyed the most. I am speaking of course of family values activist and “hands on” babysitter Josh Duggar. Duggar comes to us from the ridiculous show 19 Kids and Counting, a show about two deranged lunatics who clearly want to do everything in their power to ensure they would never end up in a nursing home.
I am not going to get too much into his background but everything was coming up roses for Duggar until he got busted for previously molesting 5 girls while babysitting in his teens, 4 of which were his sisters. What a scumbag. Of course conservative media outlets rushed to his aid, and a couple of his sisters even defended him by saying he was “just curious about girls”. Really?!? Every guy I know was curious about girls, you know how many of them turned out to be molesters? Zero. Nice try though, I bet somewhere in hell Jonny Cochran is kicking himself for not using the curious defense.
Listening to all that was enough to make me want to drill a hole in my head, which is why the Ashley Madison revelations are just so delightful to read. Gawker has done some nice work on this and the information I will be using below comes from their story you can check out here http://gawker.com/family-values-activist-josh-duggar-had-a-paid-ashley-ma-1725132091. I will be focusing solely on two pieces of information in his Ashley Madison profile, what type of sex he is looking for, and the type of woman he wants.
So first we will start with what he is looking for in his extra marital affair:
“Conventional Sex,” Experimenting with Sex Toys,” One-Night Stands,” “Open to Experimentation,” “Gentleness,” “Good With Your Hands,” Sensual Massage,” “Extended Foreplay/Teasing,” “Bubble Bath for 2,” “Likes to Give Oral Sex,” “Likes to Receive Oral Sex,” “Someone I Can Teach,” “Someone Who Can Teach Me,” “Kissing,” “Cuddling & Hugging,” “Sharing Fantasies,” “Sex Talk.”
Well this basically reads like the extra value menu at your average whore house, which is probably where he should have gone. Lucky for us, he is clearly dumb as bricks. A couple things stand out that seem weird and just plain stupid to me:
Good With Your Hands – I have never heard a guy say this ever when talking about a girl. So after you “Experiment with Sex Toys” do you have home projects for her to complete? “Now that we have had sex, could you assemble this birdhouse for me, the kids will love it!” Or maybe you are looking for someone who can construct the sex toys quickly out of household items. Either way, it just seems like an odd thing to list.
Bubble Bath for 2 – So part of your adultery fantasy is taking a bubble bath? Maybe you should bring your rubber ducky and turn on Sesame Street while you are at it.
Cuddling & Hugging – What man lists cuddling and hugging as something they want from an extra marital affair? Bubble baths??Cuddling?? This is either the to-do list for a Bacherlor viewing party with your wife or the absolute lamest porno ever produced. Could he be any more of a creepy loser?
The answer to that last question is yes when you look at the type of woman he is looking for:
“A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” ”Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,””Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Sense of Humor,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” “Confidence,” “Discretion/Secrecy,” “A Good Listener,” “Good Personal Hygiene,” “Average Sex Drive,” “High Sex Drive,” “Dislikes Routine,” “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.”
Boy, that’s quite a list. If you are going to be dumb enough to have an extra marital affair, you probably already have a specific type in mind and would only have to list about 4-5 things. Not Family Values activist Josh Duggar (let that sink in for a minute). He should have just typed “anyone that has a vagina and will sleep with me”. I mean, look at that list of stuff. Half of it contradicts the other half. It reads like the grocery list you would get from a 500lb man. Right before you leave he blurts out “Just get me everything on the right side of every aisle!”
This would probably bring back some interesting results so let’s dive in and see what we can come up with:
Search Terms – “Muscular/Fit Body,” ”Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,” ”Short Hair,” Results – A WNBA player or European Circus midget with mullet hair cuts
Search Terms – “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” Results – Woman down the street with BiPolar disorder that talks to pumpkins.
Search Terms – “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.” Results – An organically fed free range chicken.
I think everyone can agree that these 3 choices are far better than this sick weirdo deserves. These two lists from Ashley Madison really give you a good snapshot of just how gross this guy is. I really enjoyed reading the gawker article and then writing this one. I just couldn’t believe how strongly people came out to defend this guy when they had no idea who he really was. They just assumed since he was the funny guy on 19 Kids and Counting and is a Family Values Activist that he can’t be a womanizing child molester. “He has to be a good person, look at how he is on the show.” That’s the thing about TV shows. We see these people and for some reason, formulate our opinion of them based on how the producers and directors of the show want us to see them. TV isn’t real and I think people forget get that sometimes. This guy is a total scumbag and the sweet schadenfreude from the Ashley Madison hack has brought me some closure to what has to be the Trumpiest month in American history, but we will have to save the Donald for another time.
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