Sorry, I don’t believe you when you say you like body cleanses

So recently I joined the ever growing group of idiots who somehow decided that doing a body cleanse is a great idea.  I have some rather interesting and graphic digestive issues that I won’t gross any of you out with on this post, but needless to say, things down in the Beardface nether regions are less than rosy.  My wife thought it would be a good idea, mostly due to the dog-level fart stink wafting through our house, to go through a “cleanse” to reset my insides and get a “fresh start” on my digestive health.  So I reluctantly went ahead with the experiment, and in doing so, learned various things about cleanses and myself in the process. Though there are various types, they all seem to lean on a couple tried and true principles.

I Love the Taste of Freshly Cut Grass

I love the smell of freshly cut grass in the summer after I mow the front and back yard.  The smell surrounds the house in an aroma cocoon that says “It’s time to fire up the grill and BBQ”.  The taste of freshly cut grass? Not so much.  Unfortunately one of the staples of many cleanse routines is the “pressed green juice”.  See the picture below.


There it is, in all its separated glory.  I had to drink two of these a day for 4 days.  Just shake and in seconds you are transferred to flavor country, if flavor country didn’t have any actual food and you had to graze the landscape to survive.  The best way to simulate this drink is to cut your lawn, remove the clippings from the bag, and pulverize it in a blender with coconut water, an apple, fennel, and cayenne pepper.  I was hoping it would be like Dipping Dots and go from extreme taste to absolutely zero flavor in two bites, but unfortunately, that doesn’t happen.  I consumed 8 of these little beauties over the course of the cleanse, each with a slightly tweaked recipe, except for one magic ingredient.

Cayenne Pepper because metabolism or something

Ahh, sweet, sweet Cayenne pepper.  It is the staple ingredient in everything cleanse related and was in every single fucking drink or soup I had to eat.  Yeah, the cleanse had soups…there will be more on those later.  I had heard about cayenne and cleanses before from those nut-job celebrities that would go 7 days drinking lemon juice with cayenne pepper and honey to lose weight or clean all the drugs out of their systems.  Fortunately, I had never experienced it myself, until now.  It was god awful.  The only thing it seemed to do was make the drinks taste like lit matches on the way down, and crapping lava on the way out.  I guess it is supposed to speed up your metabolism to help weight loss, but I think that weight loss actually comes from the trail of tears it burns through your insides on its way out.  The worst part of the cayenne pepper fest were these alkaline drinks they gave me, whatever the hell that means.  I don’t have a picture but here is a close approximation of what it looked like below.


That is diseased pee.  The drink had nearly the exact same color, and if you sprinkled cayenne pepper into this urine sample, drank it, and used a lit Zippo as a chaser, you would know what this alkaline thing tasted like.  I stopped drinking these after I got halfway through the first one.

Who wants cold soup? 

Nothing like a good cold soup to help you through your day.  Normally the thought of cold soup would send me running for the hills, but for two days it wasn’t bad.  There was a really good tomato gazpacho and one with pineapple.  Unfortunately the joy didn’t last as the other two were terrible.  One was arugula with chick peas in it.  It was basically pureed arugula, which has a distinct dirt taste to remind you exactly where it comes from, with raw and hard chick peas to surprise you at just the wrong time.  The other one was some carrot mess.  I had to choke both of these down but they did fill me up enough which was nice.

You don’t win friends with salad

Thankfully the dinners all week were salads and they were pretty good.  I am not sure if that was because they were well made or it was the only solid food I was getting all day.  Based on the hardness of my nipples during eating, I will assume it was the latter.  This Simpson’s clip sums up my overall thoughts on salad.

The Verdict

Now I have to admit, after the 4 days I did feel much better and I dropped 10 pounds.  I have since gained back 5 of those and that was to be expected, but a net loss of 5lbs is nothing to sneeze at.  I will say this.  I hated every minute of it.  I was grumpy, sweaty, and whiney.  There was also a time that I swear the Cheetos in my cabinet were taunting me, and let me tell you, those guys have serious issues.  One of them wanted me to stab my wife and rob a liquor store.  What the hell Cheetos?!

On a whole I am not sure if I would do it again.  The payoff was nice but getting there was a real haze.  I felt weak and dizzy at times and had trouble playing with my son after a long day of work.  I don’t see how any person can actually like these.  They have to be lying, especially the lemon juice/cayenne pepper for 4 days lunatics.  If I thought the Cheetos thing was bad, I could only imagine the lack of calorie hallucinations those nutjobs are having.  I think next time I will just eat more fruits and veggies…and throw out the Cheetos before I start.



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