Recently we reached a magical day in the history of man. A day like no other. October 21st, 2015. The day that Marty McFly traveled to “the future” in Back to the Future 2, where he was eaten by a holographic movie marquee for Jaws 19 and then rode a magic hover-board straight into our hearts forever. This lead to a week-long social media blitz of images, stories, and other Back to the Future related items, all forgetting the important fact that outside of the 5 minutes of future time in that movie, Back to the Future 2 was a pretty shitty sequel. On the heels of all those lame trips down memory lane, the New York Times Magazine went all Butterfly Effect on us (and yes I am aware of how unbearably terrible that movie is) and asked people a kind of fucked up question, “If you had access to a time machine, would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler?”
Wow, so if I get access to a time machine, the first thing I have to do is decide if I am a baby killer or not? Jeez, am not even allowed to peak at the lottery numbers? Unfortunately, The New York Times writers are unaware of the lessons I learned from years of time travel movies and television shows. (With the exception being Mr. Destiny. That movie was fucking terrible. Fucking Jim Belushi, we will deal with him soon enough.) A simple small change made in the past can bring about huge shifts to any timeline. So if you go straight to baby murder without thinking things through, you are really just a blood thirsty weirdo and have no real interest in helping advance society. I mean, couldn’t I simply pick him up and drop him off with a traveling band of yodelers in Switzerland. This would completely change the course of history and I would not have to go through the arduous process of cleaning baby blood off my hands and clothes. And honestly, judging from some of the pictures, I am not so sure baby Hitler would go down easy.
Stupid New York Times question aside, I began thinking of what I would do with access to a time machine. Would I fight for good, or give in to the dark side? After a quick review of some obvious options, I thought I should just ignore some of the more extreme changes and focus on some small items that hopefully would have minimal amounts of timeline effects while enhancing my daily life, all while trying not to be too greedy.
Everybody’s Workin’ for the Weekend
In America we do lots of things well, but one thing we suck at is vacation. We work too damn much and don’t get enough time actually doing things we enjoy. It’s bad enough we are all trapped on this rotating insane asylum hurtling through space, the least they could do is reward us with some fucking free time. That is why, my first order of business will be to fix this whole “work all the god damned time” thing. The only way I feel I can create lasting change would be to travel back in time to the creation of the US Constitution. Using a gaggle of French hookers as a distraction, (the one absolute about our founding fathers: they were horny bastards) I will sneak in and add line items creating a non-negotiable 30 hour maximum work week and 3 months of guaranteed paid vacation for everyone. Since politicians view the Constitution as some kind of sacred text, this will guarantee it will last through the ages, allowing me to return to my own time and book a month long family retreat in Hawaii. I can almost taste the Mai Tais.
Gratuitous Kardashian Stuff
Of course if you have a time machine, you have to find a way to wipe this nightmare family from the headlines and pop culture. I know the easiest way. Go back in time to the filming of the Kim K sex tape and replace Ray Jay, who is this guy:
With Ray J Johnson, who is this guy:
There is no possible way that anyone having filmed sex with Ray J Johnson will be anything more than a forever punchline, thus ensuring a future without the most horrible and annoying nightmare to haunt our lives since the tragic Vanilla Ice popularity incident of 1989.
Time to Right a Previous Wrong
My last move is a selfish one, as I would definitely prevent a show I really liked from being cancelled too soon.
Firefly was awesome. Though only on for a short time, it had great potential and a great cast of characters. Fox only ran it for one season and then cancelled it, much to the chagrin of normal people with taste. I have never understood how this show was taken of the air but human kind was subjected to like 6 seasons of according to Jim, the Family Circus of sitcoms. Yeah, Family Circus is beyond terrible so don’t pretend like you thought it was funny. There is simply nothing funny about it, and I have a family, making me their target audience. Don’t believe me, check this out:
And this one:
These cartoons basically sum up According to Jim, starring Jim “sad reminder of what could have been” Belushi. A joke is delivered, and if not for the laugh track, you would hear nothing but crickets. I mean can you honestly name one person that watched and liked According to Jim? That is why I will wave my time machine power of TV justice and restore Firefly. On a related note, I just realized I should also go back and do whatever is necessary to get Jim Belushi out of entertainment. Think that is too harsh? Here is a nice list for you:
Jumpin’ Jack Flash, The Principal, Homer and Eddie(this one got 0% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes…that’s right, 0%), Curly Sue, K-9 and its horrible sequel K-911, Jingle All the Way, Mr. Destiny, and The Secret Lives of Dorks.
Anyone who puts together this kind of crap should definitely not be allowed to make any more movies or TV shows of any kind. My greatest fear would be a buddy cop movie with him and Adam Sandler. I am fairly confident if that movie was somehow made, all of existence would be sucked into an unescapable stupidity vortex created by its release.
So that about covers my first venture into the land of time machines. Simple yet effective changes to improve my own life while maintaining the delicate balance of our existing timeline. I know most people might think to change bad decisions they made in life but that is the ultimate timeline trap. You go back and nail some chick you blew it with in the past and the next thing you know, Ben Carson is President. You want to be responsible for that mess?? I didn’t think so.
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