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Star Wars and Goodies

The new Star Wars movie is fast approaching and with each new clip and trailer, my hard nipples get closer and closer to busting through my shirt.  With all the hype and excitement of a new blockbuster comes one of my favorite things…new merchandise.  It is impossible to go anywhere these days and not see some type of Star Wars related product clogging up all the shelves.  So as we quickly descend into “Spaceballs da Flame Thrower” merchandise levels, I thought I would take a look back at some of the more fun and ridiculous items that have carried the Star Wars name.

The kids love this one

The kids love this one

The Candyman Can

We start our tour with probably the most hated character in the history of Star Wars

Suck my tongue. Suck it!

Suck my tongue. Suck it!

Yup, you guessed it.  Good Ole Jar Jar Binks.  The picture above shows one of the creepiest Star Wars items in merchandise history.  That is a Star Wars Jar Jar Binks push pop.  You simply push it, opening Jar Jars mouth to reveal a candy tongue that you suck on.  As if dealing with two hours of that CGI nightmare wasn’t bad enough, now George Lucas is forcing kids to make out with this google-eyed bastard.  Add in those realistic taste bud looking bumps on the tongue and you have the makings of the worst sex education product of all time.

Office Surprise

Star Wars has brought us some great characters, but none more recognizable than R2D2 and his uptight yellow companion C3PO.   They both ended up becoming the subject of numerous types of merchandise, including the one you see below.

Touch me, you know you want to

Touch me, you know you want to

So upon finding this item, I was immediately struck by how creeped out I got.  It’s just a tape dispenser but something about it really bugged me. Was it the open mouth?  The half reclined porno seat? Those were definitely a factor, but it wasn’t long before I figured it out.  It was the thought of having this on my desk and then it suddenly turning to me and saying in that creepy asexual C3PO voice “Sir, I see you need some tape?  Why not take me for a spin?”  Having to look at those dead robot eyes and open mouth while I pull out a strip of tape from his crotch sent chills knifing down my spine.  No thanks, pal.  I think I will just use staples.

In a Bathroom Far, Far Away

It wasn’t long before I came across this little number.

arkbar_toilet

Ok, even though this isn’t real (it is concept art done by Brenden Phillips) it was too epic not to post.  It did raise one big question.  If you buy this are you a fan of Admiral Ackbar or do you hate him? I ask because if you owned this toilet you would be spending every day for the next 10 years shitting in his mouth. Couple that with those creepy side eyes and you can all but guarantee any child being forever afraid of the bathroom.  But fear not Ackbar fans, there is a real bathroom item that is “pun for the whole family.”

akbar crap toilet

The Admiral Ackbar toilet decal.  Slap one of these babies on your toilet and it is a free pass to leave as many floaters as you want.  If anyone gets mad, simply point to the sticker.  Not your fault if they’re too lazy to read.

Furbacca the not a Wookie

So there was a time when the Furbie was all the rage.  Well at least that is what I’ve been told.  I really have no idea. I am not all that familiar with them and they seem incredibly stupid.  So like everything else, they now have a Star Wars angle.

furbacca

This is the Furbacca, a Chewbacca furbie.  Don’t have much to say here except this is creepy and Furbies are dumb mutant pseudo owls.

I’ll Take Mine Extra Crispy

Next one on our list gave me a good laugh.

Guess they should have drank more blue milk

Guess they should have drank more blue milk

These are fan made action figures and they are hilarious.  If you aren’t a fan of the movies you probably won’t find it funny, but if you are, these are classic.  It is the movie scene art in packaging that really brings this home. I am not sure what mother’s basement these two little items were born, in but I must say, I got a good laugh out of it.  So whoever you are and wherever you may roam, we salute you oh creepy fanboy.  These are truly fantastic.

Star-Yucks

One of the classic merchandising moves is to put something popular on an item that has absolutely nothing to do with the movie in any way, in hopes of getting nerds to buy it.  Full disclosure, I tend to be a total sucker for this move, which is why the item below will always work for companies.

star wars creamer

It’s the official Star Wars Coffee-mate creamer set!  Live the excitement of star wars every morning as you pour coffee-mate into perfectly good coffee, forever destroying any quality flavor and aroma.  Watch as clumps of this disgusting crap pile up in your drink ruining your whole morning. I don’t really know who drinks this stuff but it is absolute piss.  Sadly, if I were to come across this, I would try it in my coffee. Even though I know how bad it tastes, it has Boba Fett on it so I must own it.  Italian Sweet Crème?  Yeah, more like hamster milk with “flavor crystals”.  I bet if you checked their sales there was a major spike when these were released.  It is obvious where the true power of the force resides…Marketing departments.

Underwear that’s Fun to Wear!

When you were a kid there was nothing worse than getting underwear for a present, until someone created the ultimate underwear set…Underoos. Of course my personal favorite set was from Star Wars

underoos

The Boba Fett underoos.  I wore these nonstop until the disintegrated and then I forced my parents to buy me another pair.  Underoos were the best.  I bet my dad spent about 15 paychecks worth of money on all the different sets I wanted, but the Boba Fett ones were the best.  A genius product and whenever I wore them, I felt like this:

underoos2

Creepy?  Yes.  Does this picture truly display how I felt?  Also yes.  Best underwear ever!

This should keep you warm

The final item we will be looking at is a toy from the Empire Strikes back movie.

They smell worse on the outside

They smell worse on the outside

This was meant to capitalize on the part in Empire where Han Solo cuts open and TaunTaun and stuffs Luke inside so he won’t freeze to death.  I know what you are thinking.  Something that looks like a sign protesting the new Planned Parenthood building on the planet of Hoth couldn’t possibly be a real child’s toy.  Well you would be wrong, and this toy is exactly that, just plain wrong.  This was such a small part in the movie, creating this toy seems completely unnecessary.  Especially when you look at the poor TaunTaun’s face.   You think they could have at least made the eyes close when it laid down or something. Looking at it now as an adult I can understand why when I asked my Dad for it, his response was “Oh hell no!”

So there you have it, some classics from past to get you ready for the present.  I really had a good time researching this stuff as it brought back the happy memories of the first 3 movies, and the nightmares created by the second 3. The new movie’s release is just around the corner and I can’t wait to start sifting through all the pictures and stories about new items over the next six months.  May the Marketing be with You!

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