If you have a child ages 3-7, chances are you have spent many a morning or afternoon on your couch as you are whisked away to the little jewel by the sea known as Adventure Bay. For those of you who don’t, Adventure Bay is the sleepy beach town backdrop for the kid friendly/suicide inducing cartoon The Paw Patrol.
That’s them, in all their glory. The Paw Patrol is a group of dogs led by a 4th grader named Ryder. Together they protect and serve the citizens of Adventure Bay, performing rescues, helping out with random festivals,rescuing livestock and other random shit. They seem to have all the bases covered, a police dog, a fire dog, a water dog (he is the lame Aquaman one), a flying dog, a construction dog, and some type of sanitation/recycle dog. It wasn’t until recently, as I sat through my 5000th viewing of the show, that I noticed something about my son’s favorite little beach town. It has to be one of the most dangerous places to live on the planet. Why you ask? Lets break it down:
Lets start with the Mayor, who is this lady.
You are looking at a woman who decided it was a good idea to turn over the security and well being of an entire community to a 4th grade animal hoarder who lives in a tower with a giant telescope to “observe” everything that happens in town. From what I can tell after watching numerous adventures, 75% of what they do involves rescuing her pet chicken from various tricky scenarios around town. This means not only is this town run by a lunatic, there is some type of City Council in place that approved budget line items for “chicken rescue overhead”. I’m just going to go out on a limb and guess the schools in Adventure Bay won’t be making any high test score lists.
Major public safety staffing concerns
As far as I can tell, the entire city’s public safety is handled by a single police dog wearing a backpack containing a megaphone and a net launcher. I have not seen a single human police officer anywhere in Adventure Bay or its surrounding suburbs. This means you could take over the entire town armed with just a knife, a crowbar, and several peanut butter filled meatballs. In their haste to save money, they have managed to setup a burglar, rapist, child molesting paradise by the ocean. What criminal wouldn’t want to have easy targets to rob and terrorize while still being able to maintain a sweet tan? Might as well just put up a big neon sign outside of town that says “Cop Free since 2012, come on in and rape, pillage, and murder us!”.
The fire safety side isn’t looking much better, with all fire department functions handled by a single dalmatian. At least his water cannon backpack is much more functional than our friend the police dog. The main problem, he is the “clumsy” one, always falling down or off his ladder, shooting the wrong things with water, screwing up rescues, and causing general disasters everywhere he goes. And what if there are multiple problems at once, say a fire or some kind of medical emergency? You better hope you are the one with the fire. I don’t see how a dog could give you mouth to mouth and keep you alive until the ambulance gets there, if they even have one. I’m guessing no since there is no ambulance or EMT dog in the crew, and the dalmatian is too stupid to even get into an elevator without crashing into everyone and everything. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if they have a Dr office or a hospital since that stupid fucking chicken has never seemed to wander into one. Definitely might want to think twice before breaking out the ole turkey fryer around Thanksgiving, along with growing old, getting any type of injury, or getting sick.
Sanitation or lack-there-of
There is no way this place doesn’t have some kind of major sanitation issue since our buddy the “Trash/Recycle” dog doesnt seem that interested in acutally picking up any trash. I have watched many an episode and have yet to see this lazy bastard empty one garbage can. I mean, his house doubles as a garbage truck. This really cuts down on the excuses he could use for not picking up any trash. Also, he must fucking stink since he basically lives in wall to wall garbage. And its not like he ever empties that thing out. Whenever they need some kind of odd tool fabricated he just yells out something about reusing stuff, opens the back, and begins fishing through his huge collection of junk. Where is he getting it from? Like I said before, he never actually picks up any garbage cans. Could you imagine the problems with rats, bugs, and overall disease from the lack of proper sanitation pickup. Adventure Bay must reach India levels of stink since they are outsourcing their cleanup efforts to a 4 legged hoarder with the brain the size of a kiwi fruit.
The Dogs are allowed to drive cars
That’s right, each dog has a dog house that converts into a motor vehicle that they speed around town in. That means at anytime you could be walking down the street in front of a speeding death bullet driven by a creature that could bail out at the first sign of a squirrel. How could anyone let their kids walk around the streets or play outside knowing that rolling death wagons are on constant patrol of the town and absolved from obeying any type of normal traffic laws? One of them was even issued a pilots license and is free to take off and fly around anywhere in the town at any time without filing a flight plan or speaking to anyone about the impact of just launching into the air whenever she feels like it. Bet homeland security is thrilled about that one. Its basically a deadly drone piloted by the stupidest person you can think of. Might want to consider installing some roof top anti aircraft guns to protect your house from damage.
Look Ma’, no hands
No thumbs. Seems like a simple thing you take for granted as a human, but think about it. Not one of these “heros” servicing this town has opposable thumbs. If they can’t use their weird vehicle or shoot something out of there backpack they are completely useless. They have no fucking hands. Hands are really important when it comes to…well…everything. I don’t see how a thumb-less team of any type of creature is a first choice for accomplishing any relevant task. I mean, they should as least have 1 monkey on the team. Considering the stink of that garbage dog I doubt having a little shit thrown around is out of the question, and it would at least give them someone that can grab something.
So next time you are thinking of vacation and begin crossing shitty places off your list, don’t forget to get Adventure Bay up there toward the top of your list. It will fix perfectly under Detroit, Cleveland, and anywhere in Mexico.
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