I have never really been a joiner of groups. I guess the only one I really joined and enjoyed was my college fraternity, and I really only did that for unfettered access to booze every weekend. Lately my wife has been trying to get me to join some groups with her, but unfortunately they aren’t the kind most men would enjoy. They tend to involve some horrible activity that people pretend works well in a co-ed setting, like learning to paint while drinking wine. Have you seen the husbands in those things? They look like someone is about to give them a vasectomy with a hedge clipper.
I decided its time to get out in front of this problem and created a three step program I can use the next time my wife tries to pull this shit. I present these three options and get way overly excited and emotionally invested in them. This causes her to immediately become suspicious of my intent, while simultaneously making her nervous that membership in these groups would be embarrassing to the fake image of our lives she has created on social media. Here we go.
Step 1: Go for Immediate Shock Value
Do you enjoy fast paced action? Do you love travel to exotic and exciting locations? Do you want to mingle with people your age and make new and exciting friends from around the US? If your wife’s answer to all these questions is yes then this first group should be a perfect way to start veering the “group activity” train off the tracks. I give you the Association for Gravestone Studies.
This group travels around to various cemeteries and checks out gravestones. Based on the pictures on their website, the majority of members are in the 50-60 year old range and enjoy spending large amounts of time in cemeteries. I find it really odd that older people who are closer to actually being in a cemetery would want to spend extra time there, but to each his own I guess. A nice selling point for this one is the yearly conference where everyone gets together to discuss all the cool grave-sites they have seen. I know my wife would immediately shoot this one down, and the mental image of the look on her face when I suggest it makes me super excited to drop this bomb on her.
Step 2: Keep your head in the clouds
So after she shoots down the first group that involves travel and other annoyances, you then drop this one on her. Tell her you found a great group that does’t involve excessive travel and will give the two of you some real quality time together.
Their motto: “We Love Clouds” and they even have a manifesto that really sticks it to “blue-sky thinking”, whatever the hell that is. There is a small membership fee but you get a packet with CAS pins you can both wear (make sure you both have these on every time you leave the house), a cloud tracking cardboard thing, and daily emails of pictures of clouds. The best part about it, all you need to do is go to a lay in a field every week with your wife and cloud watch. This option really strikes at the heart of why your wife joins groups. You see, the reason your wife really wants you at any of these groups is to give you a reference point for future gossip and stories she will tell you about all the other group members. Lying in a field with you guarantees none of this will happen, forcing her to not only spend more time with you, but have to talk to you the entire time. Deep down your wife really doesn’t want to do either of these things when the kids aren’t around. This will now help us easily move into step 3, the embarrassing hobby.
Step 3: Put me in coach
Now its time to put the finishing touches on things. Tell her that you want to take up a sport and that you will need her to join to be your assistant/manager for your new possible career in Competitive Boomerang Throwing.
Yes, competitive boomerang throwing is an actual thing. There is even a national team that competes around the world. Here is how it works. A large bulls-eye is spray-painted in the grass. The thrower stand in the middle and hurls the boomerang with the goal of having it return and land in the bulls-eye. Points are awarded based on what ring it lands in. That’s it. That is the whole sport. So to be successful you need:
- A Pulse
- 1 functioning arm
- A floppy hat
- A sweet ponytail
Start wearing boomerang related t-shirts and other clothing everywhere you go. Force your wife to watch boring YouTube videos of boomerang competitions. Make sure to drag her to obscure boomerang expos on the weekends, completely screwing up her schedule. The finishing touch is endless yammering about boomerangs and your new career choice whenever you are around any of her friends, causing massive embarrassment and frustration. Don’t be afraid to do some “air boomerang” demos of all the new techniques you have learned.
That should about do it. By the end of step 3 your wife will most definitely think twice before asking you to join a group that she thinks is great. There will be a pause where she will actually break down what the group is all about out of fear of being dragged to a truck and tractor pull or creating your possible new career as a loser street magician. Seems like a lot of work, but you will thank me when your Saturday isn’t spent standing around a happy hour after the local “save the spotted goldfinch charity scavenger hunt” while trying to figure out the fastest way to kill yourself. You laugh now but its coming, and you need to be ready. Ain’t marriage grand!
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