talking toilet

As if the Bathroom Wasn’t Stressful Enough During Middle Age

As a man at a sporting event, there is nothing more annoying than having to go to the bathroom.  It smells terrible, everything is covered in piss, there is always an annoying line, and the sink is so dirty that washing your hands might actually be worse than just walking right out the door.  Through the years they have tried to improve the experience by hanging newspapers over the urinals or putting in little advertising televisions.  These things were OK but really didn’t add much to the joyous experience of standing in and smelling thousands of other people’s pee.  It now looks like game time pissing has really moved into the 21st century with the new and exciting urinal based video game systems.

I was not aware of this until recently but apparently there are now “Urinal Gaming Systems” that allow men to play hands free video games while taking a piss.  I am far too lazy to do the research but I can only guess that this is some kind of offshoot of those sketchy talking Japanese toilets that are always trying to give you “happy poopy time!”.

The system is controlled hands free when you approach the urinal and it is based on both “presence” and “stream”.  Now as I write this I can just feel the bone chilling anxiety many men are enduring as the following questions race through their heads:

“Presence, what do they mean by that?  Is that like a size thing?”

“Stream?  Shit, as if my current level of public pissing stage fright wasn’t bad enough”

“Do you think it tracks girth?  Does girth matter?  Why are people all of a sudden talking about girth?!”

“Presence….aw fuck.  Well, there goes another sport that 75% of White and Asian guys will totally suck at.”

“So you need to have stream power?  Once again I feel the sting of my grapefruit sized prostate”

Now for some people, this sounds awesome.  It is also probably pretty funny to watch other guys playing the games and listen to them talking smack to each other about it in between innings at a baseball game. But it does raise a couple of concerns.  The first being safety.  The floors in these bathroom as slippery enough as it is.  The whipping around of pee everywhere will cause the amount of floor liquid to triple, exponentially increasing the likelihood of falling into a puddle of piss. The second, and more damaging, is the possible self esteem crushing experience for men over 50 with large prostate glands and guys with a small penises.  Think about it.  They stroll into the restroom to find a bunch of guys at the urinals.  They are laughing it up, having a great time playing penis controlled Mortal Combat.  Then up steps the ever nervous and sweaty captain micro penis.  The game system starts but then quickly stop and returns the devastating “lack of presence and stream” sound effect.

Yikes, that would be a tough pill to swallow.  Standing there while everyone in the bathroom looks over at you.  If you are older, like mid 40s and above, it could be stream issue so there will be some pity mixed in as you are mocked by everyone when you leave the bathroom.  If  you are younger, it is significantly worse.  You know they are just all thinking “damn, that dude has a baby dick!” the second you walk out, forcing you to leave the stadium and never return.

But for the rest of us, this could be loads of fun. So make sure to get those prostates checked, and if you have the cash and have “other challenges”, maybe look into some kind of penis-plasty. You don’t want to be the guy who can’t play bathroom Call of Duty because you pistol doesn’t have any ammo or, worse yet, could have been used to assassinate President Lincoln.

deringer

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