tucks

So I See You Noticed My Tucks Pads

Hi Grocery store checkout guy.  I see you noticed my Tucks Pads.  It makes me sad that you paused right after you grabbed them and had to spin the package around to confirm that I am buying anal pain relief wipes.  Why are you looking at me like that?  You have guaranteed anything I say right now will just make it awkward.  And honestly, although I understand why you did it, that little chuckle you let out was a bit hurtful.   I mean, we talked fantasy football while I was waiting on line just two days ago.  Did that mean nothing to you?

Its also not lost on me that I am in the express lane. Yeah, I am pretty sweaty right now considering how high the AC is pumping in here.  Well, you would be sweating too if your butt crack was hotter than a Tony Robbins trust walk.   I was really hoping for a little empathy.  You think it is easy standing up right now with an ass that feels like the business end of Mount St Helens?  You should try it sometime.  Next time you fire up the BBQ, try this little exercise.  Take one of those coals out, shove it up your ass, and try to go merrily about your day.  I guarantee withing 3 minutes you will be begging for the sweet release of cold, witch-hazel soaked butt pads.

I think we both also know I have no actual interest in the bag of chips and soda that you are now scanning but I thought that creating a casual atmosphere would be best for us and our shopping relationship going forward.   Sadly, that appears to not be the case.   Based on your complete lack of eye contact right now, I know you can’t wait to tell all your other friends in the break room about “captain volcano ass” who came through your line today.  I can just see it now, standing around out back, smoking cigarettes with your healthy digestion and tiny prostate glands, telling jokes about that chubby dad with the burned out anus.  And in case any of your friends ask, yes, it does have an adverse effect on my back door shutter speed.

What is the deal with the slow bagging process you have going right now? Gently licking your fingers and then trying to get the plastic bag open properly in the holder.  Failing twice and licking between each time. That’s messed up.

 Wait, was that a snort!??  It was, and don’t think I don’t know a “hold back the laughter” snort when I hear one.  Oh, and now you are hitting me with the “Is there anything else I can do for you?”  You monster!   In the last full year I have been coming here, you have never once asked me that.  So since you ask, yeah there is something you can do.  Run back to the employee bathroom and rip off the toilet seat so I can strap it to my ass.  I have to drive home and right now and every time I sit it feels like my ass is on a pile of samurai swards.  I promise I will return it tomorrow but my couch is a bit on the softer side and support will be key tonight.

You aren’t even going to hand me the bag, you just chuck it down to the end of the line like it is contaminated with Zika virus.  So I will just take my bag and leave, but keep in mind, father time is coming.  And based on the fact that you look like Seth Rogan and Kevin Smith had a secret love child, he won’t be taking it easy on you.  You might want to stock up on these babies while you have a chance…jerk.

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