Now that the election has been completed and all the so called “news” organizations have done their analysis of the results, I thought it was time for a true political expert to step forward from the shadows and show everyone what really happened. That expert, of course, is me. I worked for a solid 25 straight minutes without food or sleep to bring you the 1 true electoral map that gives the clearest picture of what forces propelled a miniature-handed talking Cheeto to the highest office in the land. Please consult the map below as I take you through each region of our country, which in a few months will most certainly be renamed Trumplandia (or possibly New Trumpistan, depending on which one looks better on baseball caps).
As the map clearly shows, Trump scored huge victories across much of the expanding Tiger Empire:
- In the southern portion of the Expanding Tiger Empire, he ran up large vote totals based on his promises to keep control of the Wild Human Preserve by building a large wall and forcing them to pay for it. He also scored big with his promise to put high tariffs on any goods and services purchased from the Pirates of the Leopard Sea.
- He shocked many in the country by winning much of the North West potion of the Expanding Tiger Empire with his promise to “drain the swamp”, which based on interviews after the fact, they mistook for a promise to help them kill the beasts in nearby Monster Lake that have been raiding their fishing villages.
- The citizens of the Tiger Empire were also driven to the polls by his promise to renegotiate what he called “disastrous” trade deals with the Dominion of Evil, the Wild Human Preserve, and City of the Nuclear People. Although no details of the deals were provided, they were comforted by his hatred of other cultures so they just “went with it”
Trump also ran up some good vote totals in the Gorilla Communes:
- The Gorilla Communes were very excited about Trump’s wall that would keep the wild humans out of their territory with his glorious wall. It appears the humans were trying to go there for a better life by grabbing jobs in the banana fields. This really pissed of the Gorillas and based on exit interviews there were two main reasons. 1) They were stealing jobs and draining resources, specifically the large amount of bananas that humans consume. This lead to a severe potassium shortage across the commune, and they claim is the main reason this year’s mating season was a bit of a bust. 2) They aren’t hairy enough and don’t look or smell like them, which means they suck…and suck hard.
- The Gorillas were also lured in by Trump’s snappy campaign slogan and hashtag #MAGA, which the Gorillas thought meant “Make America Gorilla Again” This really got them pumped up to vote and drove them to the polls is huge numbers, even though they can’t read, write, or go a full day without flinging their poop.
It wasn’t all good news for Trump, in fact he didn’t even get a majority of the total vote. Far from it. This was based on several important factors:
- Trump was absolutely crushed in certain, more populous areas of the country. It seems areas that are more diverse and have a lot more people found be, based on interview results, “a raging douchebag”.
- He suffered a large defeat in the Undersea New York Rat Network. This was a bit surprising being that he has lived and worked much of his life there. You would think that people who spent the most time around him hating him would show others what he was about but the media responded with ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ so everything was cool.
- He also struggled throughout the majority of the Lion Tribe region. This wasn’t a shock based on his anti-elite/establishment campaign focus, and what is more elite than naming your Tribe after the King of Beasts. When asked about that, many Lion Tribe members responded with “but he is a billionaire that shits in gold plated toilets, what is more elite than that?” which again prompted the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ from the media. He did do well in the North West part of Lion Tribe country due to his promise to stop refugees from the Dominion of Evil from settling in their territory, claiming that all they would do is blow shit up.
- He also did not win a single vote from the heavily Latino population of the Pueblo builders, mainly because he called most of them criminals and accused them of flooding the Gorilla communes with dangerous banana flavored meth.
Well there you have it, the real reason the election went down the way it did and what each region thought of our new, glorious, and tiny handed dictator. Now let’s all move on and never speak of this complete disaster of an election ever again.
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