As the calendar flips over to spring and summer we are greeted by sunshine, beaches, BBQs, and police blotter reports of asshole dads getting into fights at Little League games. It is also the time when professional baseball season starts up, once again be bringing us some fantastically stupid and over the top food to devour with our watered down keg beer. Now since you have to go to sit through an actual game to get these, most people will just trek down to Hardees to eat something that only a mad scientist would dare create instead of paying $35 to sit in one of those hard plastic stadium seats.
Fortunately for all of you, B.A.R.F (Bureau for the Analysis of Ridiculous Foodstuffs for those unfamiliar with our work) is here to get you up to speed on the newest versions of Franken-Food that desperate baseball teams are using to help fill their stadiums. This ballpark food trend seems mostly due to the fact that massively roided-up dudes launching 750ft home runs prior to going on rage-benders is no longer allowed by the league. So here are some of the best offerings we have found this year. All pictures are from the Aramak Foods website unless noted.
We start our tour in Boston with something that should probably never be served at a baseball game.
This is Lobster Poutine, which is french fries, lobster bisque, lobster, chives, and cheese curds. Nothing says “day at the ballgame” like a good old Massachusetts spin on french potato slop. With the bisque added in, this poutine will run you around 950 calories and will require a healthy serving of Pepcid for a side dish, so plan accordingly.
We now shift to Kansas City where they are truly going for it with the next two food items.
Pulled Pork Patty Melt
This puppy is BBQ Pulled Pork, Fried Onion, Cheddar and Jack Cheese, and Bacon all on Funnel Cakes. So best calories estimate I can give on this is probably around 1200 since the funnel cakes alone are close to 800, depending on the size. I would recommend not eating this if you are in foul ball danger since nap time will probably come 5 minutes after finishing it.
The Sunrise Dog
This just looks disgusting. Its a Jumbo Hot Dog, Fried Egg, Bacon, and White Sausage Gravy. I couldn’t imaging ordering this for regular breakfast much less pseudo breakfast at a ball game. This is something you eat during a drunken blackout and wonder what the hell all the stains are on your clothes when you wake up in your front yard. We will just put the calorie count at “Not worth it” for this one and move on.
We now shift gears back to another french fry stack since they seem to be all the rage this year. Off to San Francisco we go for the Italian Roast Pork Stack
Italian Roast Pork Stack
Here we have Boardwalk Fries, in-house Roast Pork, Provolone Cheese, Cherry Pepper Aioli, and Roasted Long Hots. This sounds pretty good even though it looks like a cardboard food boat filled with cat puke. The long hots are an interesting choice since they can vary greatly in spiciness, making them the Russian Roulette of peppers. So it will either be a nice addition or the cause of burning diarrhea, making it a very exciting game of chance.
Leave it to San Francisco to serve a Citrus Marinated Tofu Sandwich with cole slaw and Sriracha Mayo on Gluten-Free Bread. This is the first food every to qualify as a taste implosion since the gluten free bread guarantees it will have absolutely no flavor. It also keeps the “If I add Sriracha, people will think its good” bullshit we still have to deal with. I didn’t think it was possible to hate the San Francisco Giants anymore than I already did, but here we are.
Last but certainly not least we have the champion of ridiculous ball park food coming to us from Safeco Field in Seattle.
Yeah, you read that right, toasted grasshoppers with chili lime salt. Why? Who the fuck knows. My only guess is that decades of seasonal affective disorder from the constant rain and cloudiness has finally pushed them over the edge. Why on earth would anyone order this? If I wanted to eat bugs I would go on one of those awful national geographic shows where you try to survive being naked and filthy while trying not to get a boner on camera.
So there you have it. Some great food items coming to a ballpark near you. So next time you are at the stadium and bored out of your mind, simply slide of to the nearest concession stand and punish yourself for spending 40 bucks on something you could watch from your couch for nothing.
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