What They Don’t Tell You About Getting Old

Getting old is gross.  There’s no way around it.  I don’t remember signing up for this shit when I was younger, because if I had a choice, I probably would’ve tapped out by now.

Every trip to the mirror is an adventure.  You never know what new and horrifying thing you might find somewhere on your body.  Look, there under your armpit.  Is that a lump, a bump, or some kind of rash?  It could be raised or flat or some large purple and black mass that looks like a map of the state of Florida.  Either way, its gross and now you have to find out what it is.  Next thing you know you are on Web MD crying into your iPad because it just told you that you have 2 weeks to live.  And that is just the obvious skin problems.

If you are dumb enough to still try and play sports you have a whole other problem.  Injuries that never heal.  That’s right, old age means that a simple twisted ankle will lead to a month of riding around the grocery store in a Rascal while you dignity waits in the car, sad and broken.  Eventually the injured area will kind of heal, allowing you to go back to a mostly normal existence.  I say mostly because when you’re older nothing actually heals.  It stays psuedo-injured and the amount of pain you feel will now be dictated by the barometric pressure in the atmosphere.  “My knee is really stiff today…rain’s a comin’!” Yeah…that’s you.  That’s what you sound like now.

Random noises will just come out of your mouth for no reason when you are doing basic things, and you can’t control it.  Just getting up off the couch will cause a random loud grown to just come flying out.  You look around to see who made that horrible dying animal noise and realize no one else is in the room but you.  Then you suddenly notice those weird brown spots on your hand and sit back down for today’s episode of Web MD’s “This is how are you going to die!”

If you’re a Dad, prepare yourself for Dad-Breath.  It’s the horrible smell that all Dad’s emit from their mouth and it’s an unstoppable force of nature.  People seem to think it is a dental problem but they are way off base. It’s caused by the gas released as your internal organs and will to live begin to rot away.  There’s no treatment available, no mint or mouthwash that can quell this savage beast. What makes it super gross is that it doesn’t smell like food.  It’s some kind of mix of morning breath, dog shit, and mummy farts.  You’ll know when it reaches maximum potency when you are unconsciously lip smacking for several minutes at a time, seemingly unable to get your brain to stop doing it.  That’s your body signalling to you that you have reached maximum grossness and should probably go inside until tomorrow.  You’re now too gross to be among anyone but your wife, who is now used to it and accepts her fate. And someone get those damn kids off my lawn!

This is how the world sees you now.  A balding, big eyed, lip smacking nightmare.  Might as well start paying with checks at the grocery store

Then there are the pills.  Ah yes, the glory of old person pills.  It starts small when you are in your 40’s.  Maybe one here or there with some vitamins.  But before you know it, you are carrying around a zip lock bag with more pills than a college student at Coachella.  You have to keep that sack of sadness stuffed in your pocket, which has now become a challenge, because for some reason the other day you decided you needed a change purse to help organize all your coins.  Yeah, you start saving and using change that you carry in a small purse. Boy, is this fun or what!?

Of course who can forget all the fun new medical problems procedures.  What a blast they are.  90% of them involve some type of tube, camera, or finger being shoved up your ass to determine if you have some random disease or any of the other weird auto-immune problems old people get. You also need to track your poop too, and now the color is of the utmost importance.  Basically every color means something no so great and grey means you are going to die and should immediately start making after life preparations.

So as you enter the golden years simply remember everything that’s going to happen from here on it out gross, painful, and depressing but you do get a senior discount at IHOP, so enjoy as many pancakes as you can because pretty soon those will kill you too.