Everybody has one. I am talking assholes and opinions. There is no way around it. It is one of the constants of the universe. That and e-coli poisoning from the Soup Plantation…if you have never been there, don’t go. You are probably safer dinning on the random treat bar at Petco. That many Border Collie’s can’t be wrong and they are statistically smarter than 15% of the US population…I am looking at you Arkansas and Mississippi! I have noticed a trend lately in much of the conversations I have with people. The “here is my unsolicited opinion on absolutely everything you talk about” guy or girl. No matter what I talk about..sports, the weather, porn, parenting…ugh, especially parenting…someone in the conversation has to be sure that we know exactly all their thoughts on the subject, why they are completely correct, and you, the person simply saying something off hand or maybe even telling a joke, are a stupid jackass. I feel like it never used to be like that during most conversations and is something I myself try very hard to never do. Even if I disagree with someone and it doesn’t directly affect me in any way, I tend to just smile or fake agree because we are friends or with friends of friends, and time with friends should not be filled with frustration…unless the talk is about porn and important sexual frustrations are being vented. This is usually reserved for my non married friends who tend to hate all women, dating, and the whole process of dating…but have surprising soft and smooth looking hands #jergensjerk. There are a bunch of different types and levels of annoyance when dealing with this problem but I will be using just a couple to illustrate my point.
Teddy the Travel Agent – So my wife and I haven’t been on a non kid related trip in quite some time. We decided to do a weekend in Vegas and made the mistake of telling some people about it. Most were fine, they ask what hotel you are staying at, how much fun it will be, and some even share a funny Vegas story…but not everyone. Enter Teddy the Travel Agent. Teddy is your friend that feels he knows everything about travel because he toured Southeast Asia a couple years back and most likely unknowing made out with a Taiwanese transsexual. Instead of just doing what everyone else does, you get this opening line from Teddy “You know where you should go”..in my head I say “kill me now” because I am about to lose a section of my life I can never get back. He then goes into a 15 -20 minute speech about the places he thinks you should go and why they are all better than your choice. He mixes in travel experiences that he has had and clearly some stupid crap he read on the internet somewhere to try and convince you that what you want to do is not the correct travel thing to do. You try hard to steer the conversation back to the trip that you are excited about but Teddy is not biting. He is ready for you with even more reasons why his opinion on vacations is clearly better than yours and will debate it until you change your plans or jump out the window behind you for the sweet release of death. The worst part about it is how condescending he is in his tone, as he talks down to you about how old news Vegas is and how you should broaden our horizons. Well Teddy, you know where I should go? To fucking Vegas because that is where I want to go. I just told you to be nice. 100% of your horseshit information is available via my good friend Google. If I wanted help I would have started the conversation with “So my wife and I want to go on a trip, where do you think we should go?”…but I didn’t so I don’t need your input on the subject at all. Everyone hates you, Teddy.
Pamela Perfect Parent – When groups of parents get together, they always tell stories about their kids because kids take up about 98% of your life. The other 2% is a mix of booze, coffee, and masturbation. Inside everyone of these groups, lurking, waiting to pounce like a tiger in tall grass is Pamela Perfect Parent…and boy does she suck. No matter what scenarios that comes up, she has an unsolicited opinion on it, filled with self righteousness and outright condescension. She is ready for anything…tv watching, education, temperament, development, eating…all the stuff parents secretly worry about are stored away in her mental Rolodex of judgement, and she is champing at the bit ( I know you think it is chomping but my way is actually the correct English way) to spit them in your face. Tell a story about something your kid said while watching a tv show…look out, Pam has read a study about how your kid is now going to shovel horseshit for the rest of their life due to excessive “screen time” Screen time being one of those en vogue parenting phrases that seem to come out of no where to make you feel guilty about taking a break from life for a lousy 30 minutes. In Pam’s house, no one watches TV and her kid has never watched a second of it in their life. Ask another parent about how their kid eats because you are a bit concerned. Fret not, Pam will not only tell you what you are doing wrong when you feed your child, she will explain how she made her own baby food, eats nothing that isn’t organic, and how the whole family sits around at the dinner table, talks about their day, and just laughs and laughs and laughs. Excited because you child drew a picture the other day that actually looked like something and not some randomly named squiggle blob…hate to burst your bubble but here comes Pam. She will tell you all the study she read online and how to get your child to do it the correct way along with a full report on how her 4 year old can write the names of all their family members, knows all the colors and even invented a couple that have patents pending, can count to 1000, can sing the alphabet forward and backward, and have helped negotiate a peace treaty between the US and ISIS. Even though you didn’t ask her for her opinion, much less a list of all the reasons she feels like she is a better parent than you are, you are going to hear all about it. Listen up Pam. Time to shut up. Do us all a favor and when people talk about parenting or their kids, just smile, make a joke, and talk shit about them behind their back when you get home like a normal person does. Parenting is hard enough without your know it all ass butting into things that are none of your business and causing more grief than smiles. Seriously, if you are reading this and just realized this is you, you suck so fix yourself quick.
These are just a couple of the more annoying examples and there are plenty more in this buffet of bullshit we have going these days. Why you may ask? I believe it has to do with how we interact with each other. Although advances in technology have made the world smaller, they have also moved us further apart on an interpersonal level. Much of our communication is through text, email, and social media posts. Social media being the prime culprit. It leaves us free to just type our opinion and get into pointless debates on random topics…I am looking at you Facebook..and argue about nothing. Even if someone is just posting something for fun, we feel the need to inject our opinion into everything turning every conversation into some kind of quasi debate class. We have gotten so used to doing it that it has begun to spill over into real life…where most normal people spend most of their time. This would not happen if we actually took the time to meet each other somewhere in public and talk on a regular basis. You would then realize how much of a douche you sound like when you are shooting off your mouth and notice the look of horror on the person sitting across from you. Electronic media removes this element that normally keeps us in check. So my message today is unplug…just chuck you phone any old place, turn off that tablet, call up a friend and go meet somewhere for coffee, a drink, some eats, and do what we used to do…actually enjoy each other’s company and the beautiful day that is most likely outside your window….unless you live in Jersey…if you do, take a road-trip.
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