I recently finished my Christmas shopping, which has become much easier since I joined the Unified Church of Online Shopping and Free 2 Day shipping. You might know it as Amazon. This delightful service allows me to shop from my couch and never actually go to a store during the holidays. They also track all my phone calls, web browsing, email, texts, and spy on me via drone to help preserve capitalism and the American way. They get rich, I get to sit on my fat ass and avoid the mall parking lot. Classic win/win scenario.
My favorite part about the Amazon shopping experience are the reviews. People rate the products and write little reviews to help others, like me, who wait until the last-minute to accomplish most of their tasks. My process is simple. Once I search for my target, I go immediately to the star rating based on purchaser reviews. If it is 5 stars and enough people have reviewed, I don’t bother reading them. It is an immediate purchase. Anything less than five and I like to skim through and check out the lower reviews to see what they people have to say. This is when I began to notice that people were fucking up the system and throwing off the star curve. Just like that super nerd in your college class that refuses to get as many wrong answers as all the normal people who were out all night drinking and trying to get laid. How could people take a simple review structure and completely screw it up? Simple, they are assholes. here are some examples.
Target item: A Mousetrap game for a 4.5 year old boy
Under the title “More of a Toy than a Game” , and a 2 out of 5 star rating, we get this gem – “Our child loves this game but it is clumsy and irritating for adults to play. She now just plays with it as a toy instead of as a game.” Earth to dipshit, toys are games. If they weren’t you would buy them in the hardware section of the store. Your child loves it and found multiple ways to play with this item yet it only gets 2 stars because it is irritating for adults to play with. Sounds like a 4 star toy to me. This must be the first time you have actually played with your child, so I’ve got some news for you. All child’s toys are annoying for adults to play. That is why the age on the game is 3-6, not 3-40 year old moron. So not only are you stupid but you are a neglectful parent for not regularly playing with your kid. Thanks for nothing.
Under the title “Very Poorly Designed”, and 1 out of 5 stars – “The original game was great but this one has so many problems. It’s too simple, goes too quick, the trap is set off very easily. The kids do love it, but it’s horribly designed.” I had the original mousetrap game and it sucked. It never, ever worked but I didn’t care. It is just fun as a kid to set up the trap and try to spring it. It also made a good final battle location for my action figures. Kids games are simple, that is the point. They have short attention spans which is why the game goes quick. You want complicated, teach your kid how to play monopoly. You say your kids love it. That is all that we needed to hear. I doubt they would give it 1 star which means you shouldn’t either. One final thought. Since your last name is not Geppetto, I don’t see how your design critique is even reliable. Go sit in the corner with some eggnog while the grown-ups shop.
Target item: A learning toy of some kind There were a ton of these for various toys that were terrible. Most of them just turned into a bunch of nonsense about the developmental levels of their children in comparison to the toy, which no one but grandma could possibly care about. Under the title “Too Simple” and a 2 star rating we get this pointless nonsense. “If you child is more advanced like mine you won’t get much out of it. My child goes to Montessori school and can count to 1000, say the alphabet forward and backward,..” The rest of this went on for several more lines of pointless drivel about their kid. I picked this one because of the count to 1000 part. How did you test that? It takes about 15 minutes to count from 1-1000 if you say a number each second. So do you just sit around in the living room staring at your kid while you force them to recite numbers for 20 minutes? Holy shit you must be the most boring family walking the earth. I hope you realize that at about the 500 mark your child is fantasizing about gauging out both your eyes with Legos. Say the alphabet backwards? Why? Is that even a thing? I am 40, can’t do it, and have never, ever needed to. Next time, review the toy instead of telling us how you are slowly creating a future serial killer.
As a 40-year-old father and husband, there isn’t much left that I can call my own. One of them is shopping from my couch, while wearing underwear, watching football, and gnawing on a block of cheddar cheese the size of a dictionary. Please don’t fuck that up for me. Do your job, write three quick sentences about the toy, and go back to whatever the hell it is you do. Hopefully it is not forcing your kids to count to 1000 or say the alphabet backwards, that shit is just creepy.
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