Your Valentine’s Day shopping guide

It’s here once again…Valentine’s day.  Outside of Arbor day, it is easily the dumbest holiday of the year and the bane of every man’s existence.  If you are anything like me, you probably haven’t gotten a gift yet for that special someone.  I even tried to do a “let’s not get each other something this year and just cuddle” maneuver, which crashed and burned worse than Ashton Kutcher playing Steve Jobs.  Lucky for all of you, I am here with a list of some interesting items that can make for a memorable holiday with a few clicks of the mouse.

Do you and your spouse enjoy roll play?  If so, I got the perfect gift for you.

brief jerky

The Brief Jerky. It’s the latest in edible undergarments, proving that jerky is not just for snacking anymore.  Stylish for her, delicious for him, this little puppy will get any man to stand up and take notice.  Chuck in a Bigfoot costume and get ready to redefine the term “Messing with Sasquatch!”.  Not sure what flavors it comes in but I would probably stay away from anything spicy to protect your vagina.

Staying in the world of undergarments, brings you something that all couples can use.  Fart filtering underwear.  That’s right, put your Beano away.  This is underwear that will filter out the stink of your farts.  This is an actual image off their website.


There is no better way to wrap up a night of dinner and drinks than coming home and heading to the bedroom for a solid night of fart eating.  That dream has now become a reality thanks to the technological advances made by the people at myshreddies.  Look at the photo above, that could be you, as you add some extra spice to your post valentines day date bedroom activities.  Look how happy they are, playfully eating each other’s farts. I heard they are also working on a disposable shart pouch you can add to the undies (they aren’t but they totally should).  How could you not want the freedom to just let it rip anytime you want?  A solid gift for any gassy man or woman in your life.

Here is one you can grab at the last minute on your way home from work if you totally flail on even getting a couple flowers.


Now this can be grabbed at any grocery store but you are taking a big chance with this one.  You are basically telling your wife her vagina stinks, so if you are going to go with this one, buyer beware probably doesn’t even cover it.  They do package it well with the hearts and talk of romance so I gotta at least give them some credit for that.

You could always spend some money on future planning.  Women like that kind of stuff, right?


If you go with this gift, probably important to become familiar with the term “person of interest” because if anything weird happens to your wife you are in big trouble.  As much as I hate Valentine’s day, you have to wonder what type of person is working at the funeral home to think that this was a good idea.  The last sentence is solid, it is hard to read but says “By the way, did we tell you we were affordable?”  So not only are you planning for her death, you are being a cheap bastard doing it.  Now she thinks you are just going to chuck her in some mass grave in a cardboard box.  Pretty sure the only sex you would ever have again would be with hookers if you got your wife this for a gift.

Here is one for you ladies to get your man



Tired of having your orifices prodded by a cold wang?  Get your man the Elephant wiener-warmer.  It even has a nice comfy ball pouch to keep those testicles warm and ready for sperm delivery.  Probably would be helpful if you are trying to get pregnant…or not, I have no fucking idea.  Women make charts for that shit so if you unwrap this puppy on Valentines day just wear the sock and keep your mouth shut.  You will thank me later.

This one is my personal favorite


Nothing says happy valentine’s day like an unplanned lifetime of responsibility and bank account drain.  The woman who thought of this is a genius.  I hope she took a picture of his face since it would easily be the greatest photo in the history of mankind.  A video would be spectacular, allowing you to pause it right at the exact moment his brain, stomach, and heart simultaneously explode.  Imagine the devastation if you were actually planning on dumping this girl but thought it would be mean to do right before valentine’s day…oof!

And finally, we have something for you book lovers out there.

karma poopra

If you husband or wife is like me, and spends most of the morning on the can, this is a great gift idea.  It brings spirituality into the world of pooping.  It covers solo poop, group poop, and even has a pooping with toys section.  Check out the woman to the right on the cover.  Could you imagine walking in on your wife pulling that move?  If you really want to go for it, also purchase the sex version of the book and go for the elusive double bathroom release!  If you found that last sentence exciting you are a sick individual and should seek help immediately.

Well there you have it.  Though most of these are not great, it is the thought that counts…at least until your significant other actually gets one of these gifts.  Then you are totally fucked.  Do yourself a favor, just get a spa gift card for your woman or some type of tech device for your man and call it a day.  We all know this holiday sucks but thankfully it will be gone before you know it.  Now if you will excuse me, I am headed to the bathroom to attempt “The Airplane Crash” with the door open.  With any luck my wife will walk by and I won’t have to worry about Valentine’s day anymore.



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