During my time working for B.A.R.F (Bureau for the Analysis of Ridiculous Foodstuffs), I have learned many interesting things. One of them is that there is a third certainty in life to go along with death and taxes. The inescapable reality that Everything is Better with Bacon. Be honest with yourself, after reading that sentence you want some bacon. You’re thinking about it right now! Case in point, I give you the new pizza from Little Ceasers.
You are seeing that correctly. That is the extra deep dish with bacon crust. According to Little Caesar’s you get 3.5 feet of bacon with the two pizzas, and don’t lie to yourself, if you are buying one you know you are getting that second discounted pizza. To put that crust in perspective, that is enough bacon to create half a child sized hula hoop or one complete hula hoop for Ryan Seacrest. He is such a wee little event host. Rich as Oprah and small enough to carry in your purse. What women wouldn’t want that? He is like a living magic wallet.
Since we can all agree that bacon does make everything better, why limit it to fast food or carnival items. Lets welcome bacon into more everyday situations with open arms. I bet happiness on this planet will soar to levels almost as high as all our serum cholesterol.
Let the Better-ness Wash Over You
Work — We all know work sucks, but work with bacon…that takes it out a whole new door. Walking in to a pan of cooked bacon to grab with your coffee will boost office morale 100% and add that extra spring to your step that only bacon can give you. I feel like this should be some kind of law where all businesses are given a bacon stipend to pay for the daily deliciousness. Call it the Affordable Bacon Act or something much better than my lazy attempt.
Doctor visits — Taking yourself or your kids to the doctor blows, we all know it. If your kid gets a lollipop or a prize for being good, why shouldn’t you get a prize for being a good parent. A couple of pieces of crispy brown gold on the way out the door as an option and my son will never miss a checkup. Hell, I might even get him extra immunizations to “be on the safe side”
The Bacon Bowl — Now you’re talkin’.
If awesome had a shape, this would be it. I don’t have much to say, just look at the picture, wipe off the drool, and run to you nearest “as seen on TV” store and pick up a set of these babies. No way you can have a bad day if you get to eat out of one of these.
The DMV — What an absolute nightmare. It is easily the most terrifying place this side of a Micheal Buble’ concert.
Look at this fucking place. Bad lighting, hazy, smelly, and those horrible plastic chairs. They don’t even give you anything to lean on while you write. Look at that women, leaning on her purse. How frustrating does that look? I bet just reading the word DMV sends chills down your spine. If any place is screaming for bacon, it is the DMV. How much better does this picture look with everyone in the seats chomping on some yummy bacon. I bet at least half of them would be smiling, which would increase the smile ratio there by 1000%. The government wastes our money on stupid shit all the time, we might as well get some bacon out of it.
I Did Say Almost Everything
Thought bacon is amazing, there are a few areas where it simply can’t help.
Sex — Bacon doesn’t really translate well to sex. There is a high risk of scalding if it is not properly cooled. When cooked it doesn’t wrap very well. Also, its delicious taste exponentially increases the risk of chewing a biting to dangerous levels. That doesn’t mean it should stay out of the bedroom all together. Dressing up in a sexy maid costume and bringing your husband a plate of bacon in bed is never a bad idea. The bacon can then be consumed before sex for strength, or after sex in place of a cigarette.
The Proctologist Visit– – Not much to say here really. I just don’t think there is anything that can sooth the pain of deep butt probing other than curling up in a ball and sucking your thumb. Trust me, I have felt the cold finger of fate and the last thing I wanted was bacon.
The Soup Plantation — This place is fucking horrible. It is just a bubbling crock pot of disease disguised as a soup and salad bar, with unlimited ice cream. Bacon can’t save you from the inevitable e Coli poisoning you’ll get from this dump, although it could ease your trip to the great beyond. Seriously, the one near my house closed 3 different times for nearly killing people.
There you have it. Bacon is the great equalizer, taking food to the next level and brightening up some of the darkest places. Unfortunately, not all of them. Now put you elbows on the bench and point both your feet inward. Take a deep breath and relax, this won’t hurt a bit.
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