What’s Your Holographic Backup Plan?

I recently watched an episode of Saturday Night Live where they ran a fake commercial for a new musical compilation cd that has the holograms of dead singers performing today’s hits.  I especially enjoyed Roy Orbison performing Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” and Leslie Gore doing the profanity laced “Dance Ass”.  If you are interested, you can view it here on the Nerdist website.

It reminded me of a couple hologram related viewings I’ve had in the past.  The first was when CNN thought they could actually get people to watch Wolf Blitzer perform an interview by having him talk to holograms of live people. Unfortunately for CNN, most viewers tune in everyday hoping that Blitzer has died the night before and been replaced by John Stewart, so that idea when no where fast.  The other was when they had Tupac and Micheal Jackson do full live music performances via hologram after their deaths, which most people found cool for the few seconds and then creepy as shit for the other 4 minutes.  Based on nothing but this extremely small sample size, it is clear that my only chance for immortality is to create a holographic backup of myself for others to enjoy after I am gone.  So I set forth to create the perfect holographic me the world can enjoy when I am gone.

Hey Ladies...check out my pocket rocket!

Hey Ladies…check out my pocket rocket!

First, I needed to come up with what my hologram would be doing.  What iconic, personally defining tasks would my virtual self be doing after I am gone? When in doubt, ask the wife first, because if I don’t I will have to go through the painful conversation of why I asked her last.  She might have some ideas, but what would she say?  I began running through the possibles she would want my hologram to do:

  • Me, walking around the house so she could yell at me for “doing laundry for once in my life!”
  • Sitting in the living room telling her “Its ok, take as long a nap as you want.  I have everything covered out here.”
  • standing in the kitchen saying “it’s ok if you eat another pop tart, you go to the gym everyday” on a 20 minute loop from 8-11pm every Friday and Saturday night after she has polished off several glasses of wine.
  • Reenacting that time I shit yourself in the Mirage Las Vegas Casino and had to run to the bathroom and find a secret way to dispose of my underwear.

None of those really tickled my fancy so I moved on to my job.  I spend lots of time there so I could possibly mine some hologram gold out of my chosen career. This also didn’t really bring forth any inspiration since “Tweeting while shitting” and “mumbled bitter complaining about the people at my office who still can’t work their computers even though they have been using them everyday for the past 10 years” doesn’t lend itself to exciting or enduring holographic fun.

I was thinking I could ask my friends but their list would be significantly worse than the pants shitting. I would be sifting through numerous “that time you tried to hit on the girl at <insert bar name> and failed miserably”, “I can’t believe that didn’t give you a concussion”, and  “Man, how did you sleep that long with your head in a sewer?”

Maybe this isn’t such a great idea after all.  I guess this is why they only really make holograms of famous people.  Everyone else’s daily life is mostly boring or filled with experiences that simply don’t translate well to holographic replay.  That and its super fucking creepy to have some kind of live representation of a dead person in your house.  Its like scheduled haunting.  With that said, I think I will just stick with this. A hologram on me lying in bed that turns to my wife and says “Lets watch 48hrs Mystery tonight.” It will then make periodic turns to her and say “what?”, “huh?”, and “sorry, I wan’t paying attention” on a random loop, followed by 30 minutes of snoring and farting before turning off for the night.  With my legacy now secured and immortality is within reach, its time to crack a beer and relax.  I just need to find someone with holographic technology to record every Saturday night at my house and I will be all set.  Now on to more important issues, like how to deal with this Wolf Blitzer problem.



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