Dear International Astronomical Union (IAU),
It has come to my attention that the Kepler Space Telescope has discovered nearly 1200 planets in its travels around outer-space. Since this will probably create a serious workload increase for your organization, I have decided to lend you a hand. I feel like this is perfect opportunity for us, the citizens of the Earth, to begin brainstorming some names for all our new celestial neighbors. I think we can agree that everyone is a bit tired of the boring random number and obscure Greek and Roman god system you have been using for the last decade. Also, this a great time for you to get your name out there since no one below a nerd level of Epic has ever heard of your organization. That might be a bit harsh, but the truth, though sometimes painful, can set you free. Lets embrace it together. This alliance will also head off any attempts by the Game-show network to turn this into some horrible evening game-show hosted by Wayne Brady.
I will start the process by giving you a list for some early name suggestions. Please feel free to use any of them, just make sure to give me naming credits on any pictures that end up in a museum. Hey, a guys gotta eat, right?
- Planet McPlanetface
- Earth 2: The Earthening
- O-Ring Von Planetstein
- Gaseous Clay
- Blue Ball McGee
- Ringo Starbase
- Pluto (we miss him, time to bring him back)
- Brangelina 7
- Ziggy Stardust (probably some copyright issues there but I am sure that could be worked out)
- Herpes Simplex 3
- Goldman Nutsachs
- Pepsi Presents the Beyoncé Planetary Experience
- Ringy Thingy
- Moist Marble
- Peenus 10
- Love Bumps
Now that is just a short list but I can imagine the excitement you all must be feeling after reviewing these. Keep in mind, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are another 1182 planets that are ripe for naming/parody and many more people funnier than I am out there to come through with some classics.
Everyone definitely takes themselves way too seriously these days and you have a real opportunity here to spread some real fun and joy to the masses. It will also help people to understand that space isn’t just a small area around the earth filled with floating junk that is spying on them and broadcasting porn. You might even get young people interested in outer-space again. Nothing helps an industry or product that is boring and hopeless more than the interest of young people. Just ask Bernie Sanders.
Oh, and I would recommend making a move on this soon. I think we all know if a certain person wins the election this fall, lets call him Crazy McShit-for-Brains (wink, wink), there is really no telling how much longer you will have any funding to do anything. Feel free to begin using any of those names on the list, and I look forward to your response on this fun and exciting opportunity. Cheers!
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