It’s time we all stopped lying to ourselves. Lugging yourself out of bed, only to spend the entire week, month, and year going to the same office everyday just to be told what to do for 8 hours isn’t much fun. Sure there is the occasional enjoyment of seeing a coworker fall out of a chair, trying to guess what two people in the office are having sex, or watching Bob from Finance suffer through his bi-yearly colonoscopy prep. Unfortunately, these moments are few and far between. Most of the time it’s just people close-talking you with stale coffee breath and douche-bags forcing you to perform soul crushing repetitive tasks.
I recently realized I am going to be doing this for a solid 15 more years so I should probably come up with some solutions to help myself get through this mess. The idea of stepping in front of a bus sounds way too painful.
Take a Work-Cation
If you are like me and live in the US, you are subject to a complete bullshit vacation system that can’t be found anywhere else on the planet. The only real chance you have at getting two consecutive weeks off is a phony kidnapping or pretending to have some kind of super diarrhea. So instead of fighting the man, I have decided it is much easier to take a Work-Cation. Simply go into work and decide, “This week, I ain’t doin’ shit”, and then do exactly that. Just surf the net, screw around on social media, stream TV shows on your phone, and send convoluted emails to your boss and coworkers to keep them in a cloud of confusion until late Friday afternoon. If someone confronts you about slacking off, quickly start rattling off every TV show and movie spoiler you can think of to drive them away, guaranteeing they will avoid you for the next month. With the nosy coworkers out of the way, you can now simply kick back and enjoy the rest of your vacation in the office.
Make Lunch a Party
Lunch-break is probably the only time during the day where you can actually get some peace and quiet. But why should you have to spend your own hard earned money on food when right there in the work fridge you have a free Super Smorg to gorge on? Just go into the fridge when no one is around, grab a shit load of food, and head out to your car of an afternoon pig out. You can’t beat the selection. Leftovers from John’s weekend BBQ, Mike’s special meatball sandwich, and assorted dips and chips. The possibilities are endless and the menu changes daily. Not in the mood for a full buffet? Just grab little bits of everything and Bam!, you got yourself lunchtime Tapas. It is very important to make sure you grab all the food that has post it notes on it with the owners name, especially if it also says “Do Not Touch”, or “Don’t Throw Away”. Picturing their red face when they get to the fridge and find parts of their food gone will really give the food an extra flavor boost and add some much needed pep to your step for the rest of the afternoon.
Insane in the membrane
If neither of those things float your boat, you can always pick one of your coworkers that annoys the shit out of you and slowly drive them insane. The process is simple and entertaining. Just find your target and begin making small adjustments to things on their desk. Move all their stuff around. Steal a stapler or their tape. Mess up their post it notes. If they have any on their monitor with passwords or other info, grab them and throw them away in a random garbage can. Eventually you will notice their paranoia level rise as they look suspiciously at everyone in the office. Be sure to be near them in the break room or around their conversations with other people. Then interject that you saw some random person near their cubicle, office, desk, or whatever you have in your office space. Who knows, it might lead to an awesome confrontation you can film with your camera and post on the internet. Even if it doesn’t, you can at least enjoy watching someone running around the office like a lunatic until you get to go home and watch Game Of Thrones.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my boss is hovering outside my office door so I need to stop writing and pretend I give a shit about what is going on here. Which reminds me, writing a blog is another great way to help get you to 5pm without stabbing someone with a letter opener.
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