2014 was an exciting year for over the top fast food. Since we were founded late in the year, B.A.R.F (the Bureau for the Analysis of Ridiculous Foodstuffs), was unable to bring you these items in a timely fashion. So fitting with most horrible end of the year or countdown shows cable tv forces down your throat, B.A.R.F will now bring you the top ridiculous fast food menu items of 2014. Each food will be presented with its own Barfy, which recognizes the sheer gluttony and madness of food from all over the world. For those of you not familiar with the work of B.A.R.F, our inaugural entry is here. Food is not presented in any specific order of grossness or awesomeness. Those rankings I leave to you, the reader. Here we go.
The “Seriously, Japan” Barfy goes to Burger King of Japan for these two “tasty” morsels:
This is the Kuro burger, which has a black bun, black cheese, and black ketchup. All apparently have had Squid ink added to them for coloring. I know the last couple times I have had a burger, I was thinking “You know what this could use? Squid ink.” Our second entry is below.
There is a whole bunch of stuff going on here. These are two holiday burgers. The premium berry which seems to be topped with some kind of cran-blueberry compote. It looks almost as edible as the mush and cheese. Wow doesn’t that sound delicious? Nothing I would rather have with my cheese than mush. I am hopeful that the mush part is actually mushrooms but they don’t really specify. Don’t forget the slogan, Berry Kristmush! This seems to be an even more made up holiday than Festivus. I believe eating these burgers would satisfy the feats of strength requirement, so you got that going for ya.
The Best Food and Clothes Combo Barfy goes to KFC for this little number:
This is the Chicken Corsage. Perfect for stoned teenagers on their way to Prom. Stylish and delicious, you will never go hungry with this puppy on your woman’s wrist. Comes in regular and extra crispy. I hear they are working on a potato wedge cummerbund to complete the set.
The Widowmaker Barfy goes to Carl’s Jr/Hardees for this little number:
This is the Double Loaded Omlette Biscuit. Ham, Bacon, Sausage, and 3 different cheeses. Not only does this puppy pack in about half the recommended calories for an average sized man in one sandwich, it will also fulfill your entire days sodium intake (1900+mg) in the 10 bites it takes to finish it. The perfect breakfast for the on the go eater who wants to eat a filling breakfast in the morning and have their arteries explode before lunchtime.
Staying with breakfast, the Tastes Better Than it looks Barfy goes to Taco Bell for their Country AM Crunch Wrap:
This is eggs, cheddar, hashbrown patty, sausage, and Taco Bell produced sausage gravy (god help us) all wrapped up in a tortilla and then grilled. Boasting 860 calories, this puppy is a serious breakfast. I have been told these are pretty good, if you can get yourself to eat something that resembles the sponge they use to clean the headboards after filming porn.
The Worst Sandwich of the Year Barfy comes to us from Del Taco.
Have you ever wondered what a hamburger bun with hemorrhoids having diarrhea looks like? Well wonder no more! This is the Bun Taco, from Del Taco. For those of you who have never heard of Del Taco, just picture a fast food Mexican place that is lower rent than Taco Bell. This is basically all the crap they put in their regular taco chucked into a bun. I would chose starvation over putting this thing in my mouth.
The Best Dessert Named Food Barfy comes to us from Boston Pizza
Yup, that’s a Pizza Cake. It is 6 small pizzas made into a cake. Why? Because…pizza cake…’nuff said.
The When in Doubt, Add Dorritos Barfy goes to Pizza Hut of Australia for this little number:
That is the Dorritos crust pizza. The top half of the end crust is coated with cool ranch Dorritos. The rest seems to be just a regular pepperoni pizza. It made sense when Dorritos were added to Tacos but I am just not really feeling it here. If I want chips on my pizza, I will just crush some up and dump them on top.
The Side Dishes Should Remain Just That Barfy goes to KFC of Brazil
Translated that is Crispy Drumstick with Creamed Corn. This is an obvious attempt to try and sell more creamed corn. I can think of no other reason to put that crap on a chicken sandwich. Nothing makes vegetables more inedible than creaming them. Creaming…just saying that grosses me out. The only thing that could make this worse would be to add the word moist to some part of the sandwich name.
And last but certainly not least, the barfy for Most Disgusting Fast Food Item of 2014 goes to Pizza Hut of South Korea for this nightmare
None of that is in English so allow me to translate/explain. This is the Surf and Turf Desert Stuffed Crust Pizza. This puppy has shrimp, calamari, sausage, steak, and the choice of either apple or cranberry cream cheese dessert filling for the crust. I will let that sink in for a minute while I point out my favorite part of the picture. Those little sparkling star things in the topping. Like this is some kind of celebrity ultra delicious item that can’t be missed. Hard to believe it took humans thousands of years to put all these foods together in one menu item. As bad as it probably tastes going in, my real fear would be how it would be coming back out, and where exactly it would come back out from. I mean, just think about what burping that would taste like.
So there you have it. A great year in Fast Food. B.A.R.F will continue to be ever vigilant, scouring the web and random foodie blogs to bring you the latest and greatest as they come up. How could 2015 possibly top that? Who knows, but I can’t wait to see these sick and twisted fast food people try. Until next time, Bon Appetit!
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